Kissy Feet And Dinosaurs
October 20 2012

This morning when I woke up one of the first thoughts in my head was to call for Hamish. He wasn't here in my room this morning so I directed my telepathic attention (the way that they have taught me to) toward Hamish. Hamish said, "Yes-NO!", with an unusual if not never-before said No that signalled that I was to stay away and that he did not want contact. Apart from the hissy fit that lasted for a few days, Hamish normally never turns me down or acts dismissive. So I felt a bit hurt by that, and, I was missing my Dragon.

After a few more minutes Hamish returns to me and says in his usual "happy" self, that "he had now finished peeing in the forest". Hamish had been to his creek here on Earth in the woods somewhere, where he always goes to stand in the water to pee into the water and then wash up afterwards. He never let's me see when he's peeing, but he will often show me when he is just standing in the water before or after. So all was well with the world. My Hamish was still my Dragon Turtle.

So at 11:30 pm I am again missing my Hamish Turtle after a day when he has been mostly absent, or that I have just not paid attention to him because I have been studying. Sometimes we go about our own ways. But when it's time to put down what I am doing and to go to bed, that is when I remember Hamish again. So I called him to me.

Something about Hamish made me giggle again. He brings such joy to me. He said to me, that "he wished he had his own eggs (in his body), so that he would no longer have to come here for mine". I said to Hamish, "but, you are a man! You can't have eggs Hamish!" He then told me, mostly without words, that he felt sorry that their presence was inhibiting on me having a husband and children and that they would have to be required to at some point back off so that I could start a family. I told Hamish that "once I have my own children, I will tell them about you. And I will teach them to honor your scales!" And I said to Hamish, "but I don't even have a husband yet!"

Just Hamish and me. Me giggling, us talking. Hamish being a red Dragon. Me being a little girl who loves my Hamish.


Hamish had some food in his mouth. It was a glossy sliver of tissue or of an organ. One intact and firm piece, like either a small liver or a nicely cut sliver of one. Hamish's mouth is big and somewhat cuboidal in shape across the inside. It is a smooth red mouth. There is nothing scary or intimidating about seeing the inside of Hamish's mouth. It looks cute and fun, like the mouth of a frog, like the mouth of a creature that is harmless and could never hurt anybody. Like a baby's mouth, a baby that has no teeth and the only time that you see into their mouth is when they are smiling, and so seeing the mouth is always a happy occasion. Something sweet and innocent, and that is how I always feel about Hamish's mouth. It is cute, it is harmless. The toothless mouth of a baby or a frog.

There are no teeth in his mouth, and he has no tongue. I have also never seen an opening leading to something such as an esophagus. If there is one, then it is hidden. A nice fleshy red across the inside of his mouth, with a bit of a glossy shine from moisture. It is a cute mouth, I love Hamish's mouth, it is big for the small size of his head. (There can't be a lot of brain in Hamish's head. It must be more mouth than head on Hamish's head.)

He cannot chew as he doesn't have any teeth, but when he has food in his mouth he lets it run across the mouth, like an old person with a hard candy in his mouth. It doesn't simply let melt on his tongue, if it even melts. Either by opening and closing his mouth a little, or perhaps by using cheek action, he moves the piece of meat around in his mouth. It doesn't seem to be breaking down, or even melting. It is clear that Hamish is having some food. I catch Hamish eating surprisingly seldomly considering how much time we spend together.

So after a while of observing Hamish munching on a fairly large sliver of what looks like a piece of organ such as liver or kidney, and once my giggling has subsided and we have shared with each other our greetings and caught up with what one another is doing for the evening, it is quiet. I'm not sure what to say. And Hamish doesn't say anything. Just him and me, and Hamish is letting that piece of meat run around in his mouth. So I break the silence again by saying to Hamish, "Hamish is eating snacks". He calls foods "snacks", I find that absolutely adorable and cute that he calls food "snacks". I light up with pure joy every time that Hamish says "snacks". Because he doesn't say food.

Hamish shows me his mental memory image of when he killed a Dinosaur and it even conveys the little sounds the Dinosaur was making in its breathing presumably when it was suffocating or dying. Hamish often talks about the sounds that a Dinosaur makes when it is dying. This was the first time he had shown me.

Hamish doesn't understand that I can't share in his fun of eating meals. When you have a friend or a sister and you talk on the phone and say "hey I'm cooking on the stove and it smells great. These spices are just right and I can't wait for you to have some. I'm really proud of this recipe, you should see what it looks like". That is what we humans do, with friends. And Hamish and I are friends. He takes part in what I eat. Hamish knows what meals I have, and what I look like when I am eating them. He has tried to get me to eat red meat, chicken, yoghurt and cheese, and he and the aliens would rather that I not eat so much "refined sugar", or "sweet drinks" but I do. We live together, Hamish and me. We share all of our lives together. Though he is a big red Dragon, and I a woman. But we live together. Hamish wants to share with me what he is eating too. It is only natural, because we are friends.

I wasn't happy to see the Dinosaur dying. I said no Hamish I don't want to see it! I did not want to hear the sounds that a Dinosaur makes when it is dying! Hamish says that the food in his mouth is Dinosaur. He asked me if I wanted to see when a Dinosaur dies. But there wasn't anything sadistic about it, it was harmless to him like when a human man says to a friend of his, hey check out this cut of meat I found at the meat counter. It was only so and so many dollars and I can't wait to get it on the grill. We humans do it all the time, that we talk about our foods and meats.

Hamish has that same sort of joy and blase about his meals as we humans have about ours. He has innocence and ignorance. And for the first time ever since one year and two months of knowing Hamish, I cried because something my Red Dragon Turtle had done or said had made me sad. "No, not my Dinosaur!"

I remembered the very first Dinosaur I ever met. Oh that was such an interesting day! I remember it clearly. I was sitting in class when the most peculiar creature appeared in the most clear mentally transferred image from afar. The image was in "video", not a snapshot. I had never seen or imagined such a creature as what I saw. There it was, just like that, the Dinosaur. A green Frog-person. Just like that the Dinosaurs were a part of the universe, a part of normalcy. And forever would be. They thought that I was studying to become a doctor of medicine, and they wanted me to work with them on their genetics project. And they were eager to show me the various hybrids that they had produced using my eggs all these years!

My Dinosaur. I have never known, nor will I ever, such a wonderful fantastic person as he was. He was the most inquisitive, observant, witty and charming feller. When a Dinosaur stares into my eyes he notices things about me that he finds odd and funny. "You are such a strange race", they will tell me all the time. And when I ask "why", he says that "it is because I have a skeleton".

On a very rare occasion something happens in your life that ends up changing everything and shaping who you are and changing the course of your life. Those few moments that somehow become etched as memories that somehow hold so much emotion and meaning and then you spend the rest of your life trying to figure out why, why that scene and why with that person and what does it all mean. And it becomes a signature moment of your life, as if if you were only allowed to collect five frames snapshots of your whole entire life, what five would those be? These are the five odd and seemingly random moments that when they happened seemed so meaningless, and while you're living them you don't know it but what just flashed by was one of those five frames that somehow explain everything. But you'll never know what they are explaining. You just spend your whole life feeling those moments, and remembering them. There was one moment with my Dinosaur that was one of those five moments.

The Dinosaur, so beautiful. A slender green Frog-man, with big, deep bags under their eyes, yellow frog-eyes, and an interesting frog skin pattern that is green with dark dark green blotches that look like the "clubs" suite of a playing card. The skin looks firm and like a wetsuit, it is covered in little dot specks all over. And the Dinosaurs have a lovely smell. They smell like something sharp and bitter, almost like the decomposing leaves late in Fall, but more like a murky swampy water with rotting vegetation. A fresh smells that always reminds me of Nature. And they have chubby fingers and toes, and sometimes their fingers and hands get swollen because they are not meant to work so much with their hands. And oh do the Dinosaurs yearn to have baths!

My Dinosaur. One of the top moments of my life, one of those moments that seems meaningless when it happened, but then it's gone and you wish you could somehow reach through to that person again. Sometimes we humans have these moments on Christmas, or on other holidays. Parents have them when their children are young, and we only realize that it was such a moment when the kids are all grown up. But I had such a moment with my Dinosaur, once. It's times when somebody means so much to you, but you don't know it then. And then when you know it later on, you will always know it and you can never go back to that moment.

I was in my bedroom, and like we always do, we always think that everything and everybody will last forever. You think that where you live now, you will live there forever. Or that if you ever move away from it you would never miss it. But you don't, and you do. And you think that the people you live with are there forever, that you can always go back to them. And you never know what moments are the few ones that end up touching you deeper than the universe is old and deep. Because they are always meaningless moments. Something happens that is just ordinary and simple. The Dinosaur leaned down and closer to the big dish of fruit I had on my bedroom end table, and he looked at those and then said to me, in his usual always cheerful way, that I mustn't eat those pears, because they have so much sugar. That was it. And that became one of my five moments.

Just a person leaning over toward my bowl of fruit and letting me know that the pears had too much sugar for me to eat. Another special moment that I only realized afterwards, is when I had our cat when I was younger. Back when I had him I thought he would be there forever. But I have since moved and he has passed, and I have later realized how much I learned about life and about myself through that cat and how he was somebody who touched me deeply and made the world a living place. Somehow the Dinosaur was one of those persons in my life.

Ever since that, all of the aliens would call my sweet fruits "pears". Doesn't matter if it were nectarines or peaches. It would always be called "pears".

Is he gone? Is that why he hasn't visited? Have I lost my Dinosaur to Hamish who may have eaten him? Do I have to mourn someone who was an alien? But that he was an alien doesn't matter. You would think that aliens must be something different, somehow. Sure, they look different and their bodies are not the same, and yes some of what they do and how they think and how they act sure is different, but it's like when you have a cat or a dog, they are people and leave lasting impressions in terms of the ways that they touch you and how they are a living being and how you are a living being. It's in the people that you know who somehow along life reach over to you and touch you deeply with something that you cannot even understand and then spend the rest of your life trying to figure out.

My chest and throat pains in the emotional pain we have when someone is lost who was part of our precious few moments that mean a lot to us. Like when we lose a pet and come to remember all of our moments together. Or when we mourn over our childhood being lost but in a way that is based on love. When we remember the people and the times we've had when - without knowing it - we were with someone who was teaching us about love, in those seemingly meaningless and brief moments, such as a person leaning over to comment on a fruit being too sweet to be eaten. I'm a big blue vessel full of tears and sadness and pain and darkness. It's like a rainy day with black clouds that have cast over all the stars in the sky.

I don't know what I'm feeling. I just saw my best friend in the world munching on the dead body parts of a Dinosaur. Doesn't matter if this Dinosaur being eaten this evening was that Dinosaur of the fruit bowl or not, I'm realizing that I'm replacing my frequent "wondering if my Dinosaur is busy or if he's coming back to see me again, so that we can giggle about what the Reptilians are doing again?", with, "He's probably been gone long time ago, just that no one told me. Because they didn't think that it mattered."

I cannot stop hurting or crying if I have lost my Dinosaur. You will never know in words what that person meant to me or who he was. He was life and love. He was always happy and cheerful. It is just like losing a dog, and you remember how their tail was always wagging and how they smiled at you and always wanted to play. You remember the love that an animal beams and how endlessly empty life is when they are gone. And it is always in those sweet and seemingly meaningless creatures, such as in a human child, or in an animal, or in a Dinosaur leaning over a bowl of fruit to comment on it.

I don't know what to do. I don't have a strategy. All I know is what I'm feeling, not that I understand what I'm feeling. I love Hamish and I always will. He is innocent and ignorant. He does not know, and maybe he never will. He hasn't seen the love in a Dinosaur, the humble beauty of a Dinosaur. I've valued a Dinosaur's life more worth than my own. I've always known that if it ever came to the choice, I would give my life to save a Dinosaur's life. Kind of like how a woman would give her life to save a child's. When there is so much beauty and innocence, love and life in someone and it becomes greater than your own. And it's always found in those who do not know it themselves. The Dinosaurs will never know how beautiful they are.

That Dinosaur leaning over my bowl of fruit, it is a moment I cannot go back to, but that moment will always keep coming back to me. I will play it in my head and my heart over and over. Or when he showed up to watch me in the bathtub. He always loved to see me in the bath, because the Dinosaurs love to take baths themselves but they are not allowed to often, so they were pleased to see me bathing because then at least they could desire it, kind of like how a hungry person feels better if only they are allowed to smell the food or to see it even if they are not allowed to take a bite.

I am not angry at Hamish, but I will not talk to him. I will never try to explain to him how I feel. There is nothing to be said. But my best friend just ate a person. I cannot let Hamish know how I feel or it would hurt him. It might even traumatize Hamish if he knew, and Hamish has to eat food. So I will leave things be. This is all my fault. I am the one suffering. I am the one who loved Dinosaurs, and who loves Hamish. I am the one caught in the middle, and suffering from feelings that I don't even understand what they are. I am cast into a deep dark hole somewhere far away in the universe where life is unfair and doesn't make sense. I'm in something where there is no love or understanding. Where I can't pretend to understand what love is or what friends or people are.

These aliens are first of all not imaginary. But they are people in my life. Real people and they touch me so deeply. They've lived with me for over a year. We share moments together. Our cultures are so very different. They are people in my life. And Hamish is my best friend, he is my Big Teddy Bear Plush Lobster. My Dragon Turtle with the softest Kissy Feet.

These people, from other worlds, they inserted themselves into my life more than a year ago. It's something about living with other living beings. Doesn't matter where they're from what they look like what race or species that they are or if they are from this world or another. Humans and cats, humans and dogs, humans and humans, humans with aliens. It's people with people and somewhere love is an entity that is spun across that. When we remember our childhood and it hurts, it is love that is hurting. When we remember our childhood and we feel good about it, it is love that feels good about it. Every memory whether good or bad was all about love, and it is a thorn in our heart that is trying to tell us who we are. It is like we are living in this big dark space and sometimes love whispers to us and forces us to see things that we didn't think our heart was ever big enough to fathom. Those are the moments that hurt, those are the moments that we cry over, that change everything. Because someone did something or was something that somehow touched us deeply. But it only happens once they're gone.

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