<THOUGHTS

How much I love you Hamish
September 27 2020

The emotional burden of loving a dragon

My beautiful ever so deeply loved red dragon turtle Hamish. You have changed my life. "I love the hedgehogs too. Did you know about them? Tik. I was seeing them. They were mine. I like them. So that you like me too, I said. So you do.", Hamish says to me now, when he said the underlined "I like them" his eyelids were smiling.

Dear beloved Hamish dragon turtle. "I do not like that light there. It is shining on me. I would like to make it out.", Hamish sitting on my bed, talking to me about the night light that is shining. I am sitting on the desk chair in the same room. I now go to turn off the night light lamp for him. I can still write in the light of the glowing computer screen, and knowing now that Hamish is more comfortable. "When you say Dear Hamish, I am here.", Hamish says and sways his upper body and shoulders a bit side to side to show kindness, while still sitting on my bed. "I was saying, Dear dragon langoustines. That is my name. I was them. I was pretty, you have said to me. And I have said, Tik Tik, I am! I have a bad smell, coming from me. I was told, not to come near you.", Hamish to me. "You can come near me any time you want. You are always welcome near me, I love you Hamish turtle. My tortoises.", me to Hamish.

Hamish. A human is a silly little thing. "We are known about that. We know that they are not mine. We know. Tuk Tuk, Tok. I was aware. Of the non-kind. About us, not. The non-us-kind. And, Tok Tok. Mine, girl.", Hamish to me, "girl" was in my native language and he means me. With "kind" here he means like "humankind" which he is referring to. "Of the non-kind" he means that humans are not the same kind of creature as Hamish's own kind.

Humans are silly little creatures, Hamish. They do things all day and they pick up things and go to work and pay their bills and deal with money. They read some books and they grow up from being children and grow into adults and then they grow old. Some humans watch television and some of them they like to read books. And humans are always busy every day of their life, and we live on this earth and we know of many different kinds of creatures that are other than us. Many of us keep cats or dogs as pets in our house, because we can feel some kind of connection to other species and creatures, and we love to feel a part of someone else's life. Overall, Hamish, we humans are very social creatures. But we mostly turn to other humans for companions. And sometimes we look at birds flying by, and we feel that we are a part of our world, together also with other creatures. "Are you saying all of this to me? Because, I was not, mine.", Hamish, the last sentence he said while sending me a mental image of the banana peels I have left today on my window ledge indoors in my room.

Hamish, if you would not have come into my life, I would have been just one of those many humans who go about life growing up from being a small child and becoming an adult and then older, I would have dealt with the many things that humans do. I might have known a cat or a dog as a companion also. I might have read some books, and watched some television. My life would have been like everyone else's. Filled with the things that other humans see, the thoughts that other humans have. But you have changed all of that for me. "I was not, benign. Tuk Tuk! And next, look at my tail!", Hamish, "look" was in my third language, "tail" was in my native language.

You have disrupted me from the normal course of being a human. "I was giving you food plates.", Hamish, "food plates" in other languages. You have stopped the course of my life. The clock of my life was not just stopped, it was broken. I am interrupted from my daily living. "I am no more a human, you have said. To me. To the Rhynchusine.", Hamish, when he says about Rhynchusine he shifts his body with small tugs backwards and upwards of his shoulders and it is clear from his body gestures that he is feeling very proud of himself, he feels like he is really cool and awesome, which he is. "You have no cats, you have said? Would you like to have one? Yes-No! I am rather afraid of them. They meow. They were not benign to my race. They were not removed from here, were they?", Hamish. "Yes-No cats, Rhynchusine. I love you too much.", me to my dragon pooch. "Look at my socks, you have liked them.", Hamish lifts one of his flat duck feet almost entirely from the floor, peeling it up off the floor but leaving part of his heel still down against the floor.

I am stuck in a time-less space. There is no past or future. There is no meaning to my life. There is no purpose and no course. There is nothing of interest for me to grab. There are no other people, no animals, no things that I see around me that I want to interact with or speak to. The ordinary course of my life, has stopped in its tracks. I have been disrupted. "Ah yes, all of this has happened because we have wanted to take your eggs.", Hamish or a white Reticulan alien to me. Everything has stopped. "I was giving her dinner, she said.", Hamish to white alien, aha Hamish says this because I use the word "course", he thinks I mean a meal even though I mean a path.

It hurts me to love you so much, because we humans were not made for this kind of love. "I was never benign, I was not pleasant. I was having a scent. Look at me!", Hamish, "scent" and "look" were in my third language.

You beautiful thing. How much I love you. "My scent is something special.", Hamish entirely in my third language. "You have the right smell.", me to Hamish. I look at you and I know where I am. I am with you. I am with your world of thoughts. "I am with the langoustines. I am with them!", Hamish. You have shared and opened your entire world with me. I feel your thoughts when you are thinking, I can hear your thoughts, you speak to me. I feel your feelings and your emotions in me. I feel your feet against the floors. I feel your shifting when you shift your shoulders and your back. You are with me for nine years now, every day. And I love you. I want nothing else in this world than to be with you. "This is Gillespie. Do not tell him that.", Gillespie the MIB to me. "I am just writing this out of my heart because I cannot bear this otherwise. It is too heavy my love for that dragon.", me to Gillespie. "She expresses herself to me.", Hamish partially in my third language, he said to someone else probably to Gillespie. "Deb Deb. We are frogs.", Dinosaur to me, "frogs" in my native language.

You are more beautiful than I. I recognize that. I love you more than I love myself. And I would give you everything I am. I would do anything for you. I could cry for hours, and it would not help me to bear this love. You are in the spaces of me that were meant for human love to each other, but in me I cannot carry or comprehend or manage the love I feel for you, you beautiful most wonderful little person, how much I do love and adore you. Do you even know how beautiful you are, sweet little person in that dragon body of yours?

You are a sentient lifeform, Hamish. You are a person in a dragon body. You understand many things, and many things not. There are things that you love, and things which you fear or dislike. "I did not like that.", Hamish to me about the night lamp which I had turned off for him. "I know, langoustine. I have turned it off for you.", me. "I was grateful of that.", Hamish and his lower eyelids raising up as he smiles.

You are a dragon, a Draconian. You look different from me. You are much bigger than me, but usually rather than stand tall you like to adopt what I call the camel posture, where you hunch down and your back is facing upward. I don't understand how someone like you could be so beautiful. How in that body of yours is such a wonderful and sweet little person. I just feel endless love for you from my heart and my soul, and I forever will. I know it doesn't mean anything in a dragon's world what I am feeling, my emotions are voiceless and have no power. My emotions exist strongly only within my own chest and heart and eyes, and outside of me they are not in existence. I am nothing, I am meaningless, and my emotions already now while I am still alive, are as meaningless today as they will be forgotten after I no longer am alive. They will not last or linger, they will be forgotten, as if they never existed. I carry a stone that weighs like a feather. My emotions are heavy, painful at times, because I love you so much. "Why are they like a feather? I would like to know that. Can you see, that I am not going to fight you?", Hamish, he sways his shoulders slowly from side to side as he speaks, and that swaying is what he asks if I can see that he is doing that, which I know means that he is being friendly. "I can see it, Rhynchus. I have seen that you are friendly.", I say to him and now I sway my shoulders to him the same way slowly.

My emotions are heavy like a stone for me to carry, but outside of me they lack substance. "I would like to see them, with you. I would like to not fight, I said. So, give me a chance to see them with you? I would like to see them.", Hamish to me, he sways his shoulders which is how he tells me that he will not fight, because, he is telling me that he is friendly. It is not a subtle threat, but that Draconians need to state that because it is not a given. He wants to see my emotions. "We have been fought at, by others, who are calling us an oxymoron. Therefore it was nice, to not battle with you. I was grateful for the mushroom heads also, I have said.", Hamish, mushroom heads are the Reticuli who call themselves that to me.

My emotions are heavy to me, but you cannot see them how I feel. "I was looking at you now. I have seen them. And also, I have shown you all of my scales.", Hamish with mental image indicating to his shedded scales pieces. He means that he has seen "them" meaning my emotions, because he looked at me.

I feel like I explode and turn into a million stars. I feel like I turn into a liquid as if I will melt away and disintegrate. My feelings are too great and too strong for my body. "Then you might like to relax with mine, and with my back.", Hamish puts his hand on my hand and stands right next to me making sure that I see his hump back. He shows me a bird reptile alien and tells me without words that his kind was made by them. "I have got a red nose. And my red, hump back.", Hamish, the first sentence in my native language.

I drown in your scales.
I cry in your eyes.

"I sleep next to you sometimes, did you know that? I was doing it to watch you. And then I try to take your feet, away. And I grab at them. To make me feel like better soup. That grabs them. Because they move around at night. And it makes me want to challenge them. I take them. I am the Rhynchusine. And Yes-No cookies, and coffee cakes! You have eaten them again.", Hamish, I ate some coffee cake the other day he is right.

I become tiny and insignificant, because I cannot carry the love I have for you.
I am meaningless, because you are all I want.
I need no human joy. I only need you to be happy and well.
I would give myself to you. And so every day I die again for you, and I am reborn and awaken to life with you again. Every day again and again over.
Fearlessly I would defend you. I would devour any dangers.
I am the wall that protects you, with everything I have got.
I turn my weakness into the strength that surrounds you.
Your life means more to me than my own.
My whole world is gone. I want it no more. I want nothing else other than you.
Your happiness.

The deepest love. The sacrifice.
Let me be the water droplets under your foot after the rains.
Let me be the ray of light that touches on your skin from the day.
Let me be the clouds you see above in the sky.
Let me cease to be a human, and let me be the world that wraps around you and holds and hugs you.
Let me be a leaf, a drop of water, a ray of sunshine, the breath of fresh air that touches you.
Let me turn into liquid. Only because I have known you.

You were a baby once. You were born from out of an egg, which your mother had laid down in a nest with your sibling eggs. And you were born. You are a person, that sees with your eyes, you see the world around you. You touch the world around you that you feel. You can smell things. Your mother and father used to talk to you when you were only very little. You still remember their click sounds that they gave you. Your mother has since passed away, and you no longer have her. Do Dragons feel pain and sorrow, do you miss her and long for her, or do you only remember her, and still hear her sounds in your heart, as a dragon never forgets? Did you love your mother, and did she love you? Sometimes when I tell you Tik Tok, you tell me that I am saying it to you like your mother did. Tik Tok means to tell someone that it is ok to come near to me, an invitation to come close, that it is ok. You have told me Tik Tok for many years now, before I realized what it meant. And I tell you Tik Tok now, so that you know that it is ok for you to come very near me.

I am nothing anymore. You are far more beautiful than I. Your life matters more than my own. That is how I love you so much, how I would do anything for you, how I would die and disintegrate just for you. It hurts me, it pains me to carry this love, because I die with it. I cease to be a human. I become the world around you that wraps around you and loves you, like how we humans imagine that God is around us and loves us and is the world. How loved you are, so beautiful, without you even knowing it.

Well, dear Hamish. I am eternally happy that you came into my life. You are the greatest most sweetest wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. One would look at you and wonder what kind of a creature you are. A human could never guess what kind of a person resides in your thoughts and soul. You are a sweetheart. You are the sweetest gentlest soul I have ever met, you are wonderful. The way you look at goldfish, so tenderly. The way you know yourself and your body. The thoughts you have in your mind, your memories, your worries and fears. Your hunger, your love for food, your self-preservation. The way you wash and clean your feet if they get messy. And how you tend to your scales for hours, building a nest with them, washing and drying and arranging with your shedded scales, and how you share them with me, showing them to me, or even placing some of them on me or in my hand. I don't know what it means, but I am glad you share them with me. I love you.

My life has been made complete because of you. I need now nothing more out of existence, only to have known you. I would do anything for you, even though I know you cherish the little things. You love the feeling of a soft sofa against your body when you sit down and it makes you close your eyes in a comforted smile, yet I feel that I would gladly explode and turn into the pixels of the whole entire universe just to grant you a wish. Yet you place your flat duck feet down on a soft ruggy and it makes you smile to feel how soft they are against your sensitive feet. I would die for you, I would give you everything and anything, I would destroy myself just to keep you safe and comforted and well. "We have no plan of destroying you yet. But yes, a sofa!", Hamish to me. "I am the old draconian race. I am therefore significant. I was The One, who stays here.", Hamish, he said either stays here or says here. "I was going to have a sofa from you. And then I was glad.", Hamish, I do not have a sofa here in my home and he keeps asking me for one, I need to buy for him one.

I would destroy myself and become the universe and give you my all, yet you gently go to see goldfish and it makes you smile to see their pretty colored scales that shine ever so brightly in your keen color vision as a golden orange and you love to see them. I do not have to give you anything, even if I could give you something.

I need nothing. I need to discover no more of life's mysteries. I need not to have children, or to fall in love, get married, or experience life's mysteries and pleasant discoveries in order to reach or to attain something. I already have everything, I fell into you. I fell into a red colored pool that is a dream made of scales and thoughts of goldfish and of hedgehogs and of koalas, of the taste of liver Snacks and Toast, the memories of a mother dragon's click sounds, and the smell of eggs. I fell into you. And I don't ever want to have to leave. I just want to be a drop in your ocean, on your skin, on your scales. I want nothing more, than to have known you, and loved you.

I am the ray of sunshine that never can speak, that never has eyes with which to see, that made the ultimate sacrifice to destroy itself just to be with you, and which will never be known by you for what it did. The air we breathe, Hamish, is filled with love that exploded from the pain of loving you. It died and turned into a million sparks, just to try to reach you and to touch you and to tell you that you are loved, but it lost its voice and could never speak, and it falls like droplets off of your skin and falls down into the mud, being forgotten, left behind. And then you are left alone to discover all on your own how much loved you are, as no one else can tell you, as words are not enough. You are ignorant of how much loved you are, and that is why you are loved. This is how God loves every human, because we do not know how great the God's love for us is. "Tik Tok!", Hamish said with click sounds, the Tik was elongated more like a Tiik Tok.

When you look at a goldfish, the sun's rays and the air around you has been turned into God's love for you which died and destroyed itself just to be able to hug you. Just to be near you. Just to give you a ray and glimmer of light for that one short moment as it reflects off the surface of the water and touches on your shoulder, just for a raindrop of water to fall off your back, whether you notice it or not. The whole world around you is filled with love for you, dear Hamish. You are such a beautiful and incredible living thing. And I die for you like that. I turn into a glimmer of light within a drop of water, just to disintegrate, to be a world that loves you.

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