<THOUGHTS
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Relationships Can Hurt
I look at a live video streaming of image from outer space, and reflect on the strangeness and lacking that there is in my alien contact. Hamish has his feelings hurt, and both of us realize new dimensions to our relationship, for both of us it is difficult.
10:06 PM. I am watching a live streaming from outer space, planet Earth, a space station and astronauts.
Screenshot in case the video is not working:
It is absolutely beautiful and inspiring to see planet Earth from outer space. I must also admit, that seeing human astronauts is absolutely refreshing. For five years, I have dealt with extraterrestrial astronauts and still today I struggle to understand them. We still quarrel, like the "brick argument" from two days ago. And, seeing human astronauts, makes me realize, how much of a serious gap there is between me and the aliens. Some examples:
Hamish and Reptilians smile by closing their upper eyelids. That is the form of a "smile" I have gotten used to, and when I show to Reptiles that I smile, I put my index finger on my upper eyelid. I have learned to read Reptilian body language really well, yet it will never be the same or as straightforward as communicating and interacting with a human. There will always be a gap between me and the aliens, I will always feel an emptiness when I am together with them. I see the human astronauts on the video, and I imagine, how straightforward and easy it would be to meet human astronauts. Not just easier to come across, but our thoughts would be the same, but perhaps most meaningfully, that connection between one and to another would be there, and there is a feeling of comfort and satisfaction in that. But with the aliens, no matter which of the many species I have met, there is always this gap, this frustration and dissatisfaction, this wanting to reach for something more between us.
Like I listened to a baby crying on the bus today. I could hear from the voice of the baby that it was still an infant, and it was trying to make out the word "mama" to call for its mother to come and pick it up and give it comfort. The mother could hear, but did not pick up the baby perhaps since they were almost leaving, and the baby was putting all its heart and soul into the crying and really trying to say the word right "mama" so that its mother would care and pick it up. It was really heartwarming to listen to, all I wanted to do was to pick up the baby and comfort it with nice words and hold it in my arms and put my lips against its head. This is what is between humans. We humans even experience it every day with our cats and dogs and other pets. We pick up a dog or a cat in our arms and love it. We smile to our dog, and the dog wags its tail, we are both mammals.
We are not pets. Are you realizing it yet? - Hamish now says, a bright fire engine red and orange creature
Whenever I look at Hamish, there is always this feeling in me that I am like the baby that got never picked up by him. I have smiled to him, I have told him that I love him, I have cherished the few times when Hamish has actually touched me, we talk and we share secrets, we laugh and have fun together, we share our fears and worries to each other, but there is always something missing that I am not getting from him. This is the kind of thing that SETI (the search for extraterrestrial intelligence) should write an essay about. Contact with alien life is kind of difficult, and frustrating, because they don't hug me, or smile at me with their mouth, or kiss me on the forehead.
Have humans ever formed real friendships with other animals other than mammals? There are a few guys who keep crocodiles and alligators or snakes in their homes as pets. Now what would the Zeta and Alpha Reticulans be like, if they were like an animal on Earth?
We are not animals! We are a people. Now, learn and get that straight. We come from a civilized society. And we should therefore not be called as bricks or pets. - a Reticulan says to me
Trying to make friends with a Reticulan, is like trying to bond with a mushroom. Pick up a mushroom in your hand, talk to it, tell it what your name is, and see how far you get with forming a friendship. There's just no connection. There is no friendship.
We wanted you to drink milk, and not coffee, or chocolate. We wanted you to drink it. - Reticulan and bows its head down at the end graciously
While I was watching this live video broadcast of Earth from outer space, a Dinosaur revealed that it has told Hamish that there are pieces of broken glass on his snuggy rugs. I got down on my hands and knees next to Hamish's ruggy, still careful not to touch it with my knees, and I told Dragon "Tok Tok!", which in his language means come here. And I told dragon to watch as I gently patted my hands down all along his ruggy to show him that there were no pieces of broken glass there that it was safe for him to step on. I haven't touched his rug in years, not other than to fold it up to move it sometimes. A vindictive Dinosaur who wants to revenge on Hamish by lying that there is broken glass on his favorite ruggy snugs, and a Draconian Reptile Hamish who is guarding my eggs and showing me sheets of his shedded scales. Still, seeing a human astronaut makes a lot more sense, and contact with a human being is a lot more meaningful to me, because I am human.
Sure, I get to know my aliens, who are of a variety of species. And all these alien species they are somehow all functioning there in their Agenda and working together! Alpha and Zeta Reticulans, Draconian Reptiles, Alpha Thetons, Alpha Remulans, the little Yellow Centaurians, Thuban whales, Mantids, Alpha Orions, and Dinosaurs. Sure, I also get along with my aliens, so I am also one of the many different species that are "working together". But none of them are humans. None of them hug, or comfort, or smile with the mouth, or kiss on the cheeks or on the face. So it's always awkward, strict, and strange, and there is always something missing, yet I keep on reaching out to them, being friendly, telling them that they are cute, fishing out for some human contact, and still after five years not having realized, that this is alien contact, it will never be human contact with the aliens.
I will bite you for what you said to me! - Hamish thinks of biting into my typing fingers with his little toothless tiny head
Good lord, I never realized that Hamish felt so strongly about our relationship, and here I had just dissed our entire relationship with what I wrote earlier! When he is saying that therefore it is Yes-No Tik Tok, he seems to be saying that our relationship together is a no, and feeling unhappy about that. Tik Tok derives from click sounds that Dragon Turtles make when they approve for someone to mate with them and share the eggs. When Hamish says Tik Tok to me, he is literally asking me if my eggs belong to him, and if I were to respond with Tik Tok then I would approve, so I try to never say that because it really is too much to ask. Now to be clear, Hamish does not mate with me, he does not want my eggs for him to fertilize them. My eggs are stolen by Reticulans who turn them into Reticulan-human hybrids. Hamish is so concerned about my eggs, because it is his job to guard my eggs from being stolen by other alien teams. However, I sometimes wonder if Hamish doesn't have his own mating and protective instincts, and he somehow feels so strongly about protecting me, as if he were protecting his own nest of eggs, I just wonder?
I really felt when he said Yes-No Tik Tok, the emotions he had was disappointment and upset, it felt as if I had just written that him and me don't have a friendship or relationship after all, and that Dragon was disappointed about that, like a guy finding out that his girlfriend does not like him after all. There was something like that in it, and that totally surprises me. That Hamish would place value on the premise that I would have a strong bond to him, and if I say that that bond does not exist, he got upset and he felt hurt and disappointed. I had no idea he would react this way, or that our bond would have meant something to him, but it does mean a lot to him, I just learned that. He is still upset and showing me that his clawed hands are resting against the lower end of his back hump.
I have even showed you my underpants. Because, therefore we were very important. I was showing them to you, I said, therefore. We were not the other race, that was not important. - Hamish
When he talks about cheeses, years ago I mentioned to him that he smells bad like rotten cheese, and he has not been able to forget it, he feels self-conscious, and here he says that is why he avoids close contact.
Darling? You are very important to me, and therefore significant. - me
He mentioned his underpants earlier, that means shedded scales from that area he calls that his underpants. Now Hamish is being clearly upset, he has his feelings hurt, and now a lot of stress is coming up in his thoughts, all of the things that have been bothering him, such as that I have said that he smells bad like cheese, the Dinosaur having said there was broken glass on his rug, he even mentioned onions which bothers him, he is just having a meltdown of upset and all kinds of upset is coming out at the same time. This is the time when I would lay my arms around him and cradle him softly to sleep in my loving arms, but how does one comfort and soothe a dragon?
Yes-No, comforted. - Hamish
Reptilians believe that their shedded scales are important and signify esteem and respect. When other Reps visit our home, they tend to squat down by Hamish's rug and watch his lined up shedded scales with tremendous awe and admiration. When he said "And therefore I was not significant" just now, he means that he has shown me his shedded scales and he is being upset that I am not treating him as significant even though he did such an honorable gesture as showing me his scales. I didn't realize that Hamish had so much intellect that he could have followed and understood what I wrote about the astronauts and relationships to aliens vs. to humans. He took it personally, and there is nothing I can say to undo that, because he knows precisely what I wrote. How do I fix this?
Hamish? - me
I ate shrimp today. I was at a buffet and I ate all sorts of things and I knew that Hamish was watching closely and I was still hoping that he wouldn't notice. And he only told me about it now. Of course it is one of his upsets. And as for the bananas, a new thing I did was to put banana peels and other compost into a small plastic bag and keep it in my bedroom next to the bookshelf it was on the floor, so that I could take it like I did today to the compost bin outdoors. I didn't want it in the kitchen since then my flatmates would put stuff in it too and I am not happy about always taking out their trash too, so I decided to keep it here. Draconians have sensitive noses and they really do not like trash. He is now upset and listing everything upsetting that has been on his mind, the lack of a sofa, that I ate shrimp, the banana peels, life just sucks for Dragon right now, and it started when he thought that I don't appreciate him because of what I wrote about astronauts and about my relationships with the aliens and with Hamish.
Even the Santinians, who are a friendly human-like ET race, and Jack with the NASA team had to intervene since they too were concerned. The director was Jack, I saw his face when he spoke to me. Oh Dragon, I would die for you, you know that. Hamish has now retreated to a dark underground base, the one that has those large blue plastic barrels that Hamish finds fascinating and sometimes goes to stand next to, they either contain food bits for Reps or waste products from the Rep base or sometimes one and sometimes the other. I see him blinking there in the darkness, all alone, I think he is cute but he is a big dragon that can take care of himself. But there is a whole emotional side to him, he had his feelings hurt today.
Yes-No! - Hamish wants to bite into my hand because I said his feelings were hurt, so he objects, and he means that his feelings were not hurt
Here is another picture from the live streaming from outer space. The astronaut is out in space in a spacesuit and perhaps working on their equipment. And meanwhile my relationship with Hamish has undergone a tumultuous blow.
It hurts in me, I have pain over my chest, and there are painful dark tears in me like knives that want to come out and hurt me. Other than when Hamish had a hissy fit about some lobster or shrimp a few years back, we have never had an argument, so this hurts. I just need him to put his arms around me and to tell me that everything is ok. I want him to say sweet and comforting things to me. I want things to go back to normal. I want to put my head on the pillow and cry myself to sleep with a pain in my chest. He won't put his arms around me. I have injured him, I have injured my dragon, the one person who means the most to me in the world. And I don't know how to comfort him! I don't know how to fix this. I will continue to tell him that I honor him, that I am proud of his race and that he is important and significant, but Hamish is the kind of dragon that never forgets. He has still not forgotten that one time when I told him that he smells like cheese, and that was five years ago. How do I comfort him? I will make for him growl-purrs, time and time again, telling him in his own language "that I love him", until I get too tired and I fall asleep. I need him to hug me, because it hurts inside me!
Yes-No onions! - Hamish
Are things back to normal?
A few minutes later. Hamish shows up in a clear mental image of him. He has such a proportionally small head like most Draconians. My red dragon. He puts his hand that has three chubby fingers on my shoulder. This is the hug I had been wanting, dragon has hugged me by touching his hand on my shoulder. He then stuffs a few pieces of individual bits of shedded scales into the palm of my right hand, and he tells me, in my native language, that he had had to put some little pieces there. "I love you Hamish", I tell him now that I see him. He lifts up one flat red duck foot off the floor a bit. "For me", he says in my native language. "For me there were peels", he says in my native language, peels meaning the shedded scales. "They were important to me.", he says in English about the scales. "They are important", I say to Hamish. He now puts his hand down on my lower belly, about where the uterus and eggs would be. "They were for me!", Hamish says in my native language meaning the eggs.
"They were for me", he says in my native language, and stuffs a few shreads of his shedded scales into the palm of my right hand like payment for the eggs. He puts his hand down even lower than my lower belly where my woman parts are. Now he puts his hand higher up on my belly just above the belly button, I felt his hand pressing down on my belly. "They were my eggs", says this fire engine red dragon in English. "Soon it is going to be Christmas, and I am going to be over there, and on that sofa. And then everything will be good.", Hamish in English, "over there" was mom's Christmas tree that he likes to lie under when it is all decorated in the living room, and mom has a sofa that he loves. "Yes, Hamish. We will spend a nice Christmas at mom's place, and you can enjoy the Christmas tree and the sofa. And I will get you a present.", I say, meaning to get for him a package of red Christmas tree ball ornaments that he loves.
He stands there, and his upper and lower eyelids are closing fully, he is making a big smile. "I gave her some. And therefore it was mine!", Hamish tells another alien about how he put scales into my hand and his eyes are still smiling big, he opens his nostrils and thinks of the smell of his shedded scales which is a comfortable smell for him. I guess everything is good now, between Hamish and me.
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