Relationships Can Hurt
November 16 2016

I look at a live video streaming of image from outer space, and reflect on the strangeness and lacking that there is in my alien contact. Hamish has his feelings hurt, and both of us realize new dimensions to our relationship, for both of us it is difficult.

10:06 PM. I am watching a live streaming from outer space, planet Earth, a space station and astronauts.

Screenshot in case the video is not working:

It is absolutely beautiful and inspiring to see planet Earth from outer space. I must also admit, that seeing human astronauts is absolutely refreshing. For five years, I have dealt with extraterrestrial astronauts and still today I struggle to understand them. We still quarrel, like the "brick argument" from two days ago. And, seeing human astronauts, makes me realize, how much of a serious gap there is between me and the aliens. Some examples:

Hamish and Reptilians smile by closing their upper eyelids. That is the form of a "smile" I have gotten used to, and when I show to Reptiles that I smile, I put my index finger on my upper eyelid. I have learned to read Reptilian body language really well, yet it will never be the same or as straightforward as communicating and interacting with a human. There will always be a gap between me and the aliens, I will always feel an emptiness when I am together with them. I see the human astronauts on the video, and I imagine, how straightforward and easy it would be to meet human astronauts. Not just easier to come across, but our thoughts would be the same, but perhaps most meaningfully, that connection between one and to another would be there, and there is a feeling of comfort and satisfaction in that. But with the aliens, no matter which of the many species I have met, there is always this gap, this frustration and dissatisfaction, this wanting to reach for something more between us.

Like I listened to a baby crying on the bus today. I could hear from the voice of the baby that it was still an infant, and it was trying to make out the word "mama" to call for its mother to come and pick it up and give it comfort. The mother could hear, but did not pick up the baby perhaps since they were almost leaving, and the baby was putting all its heart and soul into the crying and really trying to say the word right "mama" so that its mother would care and pick it up. It was really heartwarming to listen to, all I wanted to do was to pick up the baby and comfort it with nice words and hold it in my arms and put my lips against its head. This is what is between humans. We humans even experience it every day with our cats and dogs and other pets. We pick up a dog or a cat in our arms and love it. We smile to our dog, and the dog wags its tail, we are both mammals.

We are not pets. Are you realizing it yet? - Hamish now says, a bright fire engine red and orange creature
That is exactly my point. - me

Whenever I look at Hamish, there is always this feeling in me that I am like the baby that got never picked up by him. I have smiled to him, I have told him that I love him, I have cherished the few times when Hamish has actually touched me, we talk and we share secrets, we laugh and have fun together, we share our fears and worries to each other, but there is always something missing that I am not getting from him. This is the kind of thing that SETI (the search for extraterrestrial intelligence) should write an essay about. Contact with alien life is kind of difficult, and frustrating, because they don't hug me, or smile at me with their mouth, or kiss me on the forehead.

Have humans ever formed real friendships with other animals other than mammals? There are a few guys who keep crocodiles and alligators or snakes in their homes as pets. Now what would the Zeta and Alpha Reticulans be like, if they were like an animal on Earth?

We are not animals! We are a people. Now, learn and get that straight. We come from a civilized society. And we should therefore not be called as bricks or pets. - a Reticulan says to me

Trying to make friends with a Reticulan, is like trying to bond with a mushroom. Pick up a mushroom in your hand, talk to it, tell it what your name is, and see how far you get with forming a friendship. There's just no connection. There is no friendship.

We wanted you to drink milk, and not coffee, or chocolate. We wanted you to drink it. - Reticulan and bows its head down at the end graciously
And therefore we go into your nose. - either Thuban or Alpha Reticulan a sassy kind

While I was watching this live video broadcast of Earth from outer space, a Dinosaur revealed that it has told Hamish that there are pieces of broken glass on his snuggy rugs. I got down on my hands and knees next to Hamish's ruggy, still careful not to touch it with my knees, and I told Dragon "Tok Tok!", which in his language means come here. And I told dragon to watch as I gently patted my hands down all along his ruggy to show him that there were no pieces of broken glass there that it was safe for him to step on. I haven't touched his rug in years, not other than to fold it up to move it sometimes. A vindictive Dinosaur who wants to revenge on Hamish by lying that there is broken glass on his favorite ruggy snugs, and a Draconian Reptile Hamish who is guarding my eggs and showing me sheets of his shedded scales. Still, seeing a human astronaut makes a lot more sense, and contact with a human being is a lot more meaningful to me, because I am human.

Sure, I get to know my aliens, who are of a variety of species. And all these alien species they are somehow all functioning there in their Agenda and working together! Alpha and Zeta Reticulans, Draconian Reptiles, Alpha Thetons, Alpha Remulans, the little Yellow Centaurians, Thuban whales, Mantids, Alpha Orions, and Dinosaurs. Sure, I also get along with my aliens, so I am also one of the many different species that are "working together". But none of them are humans. None of them hug, or comfort, or smile with the mouth, or kiss on the cheeks or on the face. So it's always awkward, strict, and strange, and there is always something missing, yet I keep on reaching out to them, being friendly, telling them that they are cute, fishing out for some human contact, and still after five years not having realized, that this is alien contact, it will never be human contact with the aliens.

I will bite you for what you said to me! - Hamish thinks of biting into my typing fingers with his little toothless tiny head
What was wrong, Hamish? - me
I haven't said, Tok Tok Tok Tok. - Hamish, turns around to show me that his hands are at his lower back end of the back hump and he turns his head around to look at me while I am seeing that
Why did you want to bite my fingers? - me
You said, "I was like a baby", you said? I was not, with yours, garden. I was not therefore here, and I was very important. "Not like a baby, I said." And then you wanted to cry, about me. And therefore, I was not here! - Hamish, at the last sentence he shows again his hands at the lower back hump which means a dismissal gesture
... I don't know what to say to that. - me
You said, you had looked at me and said Yes-No. That I was not, the Sapiens kind. That I was not therefore built the right way. I was therefore not important to you. And then I said, Yes-No!!! I was not, Tik-Tok to you! My ambulances won't come anymore. To say your face was not smiling, with the cheeks? ... My onions, therefore, Yes-No! - Hamish, still hands at his lower back, ambulance means UFO spaceship, onions he does not like the smell of onions, Yes-No means No plain and simple
Hamish. - me, gosh, he was really listening in on everything I wrote here
I love you. You are the most meaningful person in my whole life. - me, he still shows me he has hands on his lower back
I have had the most wonderful times together with you. You and me we have laughed together and had fun at jokes, we have together hunted Santas. We have groomed together, me in the shower and you on the rug tending to your scales. I have read a children's book to you about hedgehogs, and we have watched koala bears on videos which you like to see. - me
Only because, they are not like me. And therefore, I would have liked to get to know them better. Yes-No, Tik Tok! - Hamish, he seems to be saying Yes-No about Tik Tok, Tik Tok means that my eggs would belong to him, oh my gosh...
Hello, we are the Santinians. We would like to wish you good luck with this one. - Santinian, this one being Hamish
He has been growling at you, while not looking at your face. - Santinian to me about Hamish
And therefore we were not important. - Hamish grumpy explains why he is upset

Good lord, I never realized that Hamish felt so strongly about our relationship, and here I had just dissed our entire relationship with what I wrote earlier! When he is saying that therefore it is Yes-No Tik Tok, he seems to be saying that our relationship together is a no, and feeling unhappy about that. Tik Tok derives from click sounds that Dragon Turtles make when they approve for someone to mate with them and share the eggs. When Hamish says Tik Tok to me, he is literally asking me if my eggs belong to him, and if I were to respond with Tik Tok then I would approve, so I try to never say that because it really is too much to ask. Now to be clear, Hamish does not mate with me, he does not want my eggs for him to fertilize them. My eggs are stolen by Reticulans who turn them into Reticulan-human hybrids. Hamish is so concerned about my eggs, because it is his job to guard my eggs from being stolen by other alien teams. However, I sometimes wonder if Hamish doesn't have his own mating and protective instincts, and he somehow feels so strongly about protecting me, as if he were protecting his own nest of eggs, I just wonder?

I really felt when he said Yes-No Tik Tok, the emotions he had was disappointment and upset, it felt as if I had just written that him and me don't have a friendship or relationship after all, and that Dragon was disappointed about that, like a guy finding out that his girlfriend does not like him after all. There was something like that in it, and that totally surprises me. That Hamish would place value on the premise that I would have a strong bond to him, and if I say that that bond does not exist, he got upset and he felt hurt and disappointed. I had no idea he would react this way, or that our bond would have meant something to him, but it does mean a lot to him, I just learned that. He is still upset and showing me that his clawed hands are resting against the lower end of his back hump.

I have even showed you my underpants. Because, therefore we were very important. I was showing them to you, I said, therefore. We were not the other race, that was not important. - Hamish
I will kill you, I said. - Hamish
What? Why do you say kill, Hamish? - me
My goosebumps, and buttercups. I wanted to kill them not. I wanted to take my cheeses out of my nose and mouth. Because they smelled bad to you. And therefore I could not come to see you. - Hamish sad says to me
My CHEESES! - Hamish
Hello, this is the Director of Extraterrestrial life studies. We are watching this very carefully now. We are quite concerned, about what is about to happen. He is thinking.. that he cannot no longer come to you. We are watching now. Because, he has wanted to leave us. - the man about Hamish tells to me
Tell Hamish... - me interrupted, Hamish and another alien a Reticulan talk, Hamish expresses that he does not hug me and he is sad about it tells the alien, the other alien tells Hamish that "we are not monkeys" with a mental image of an orangutan
Hamish? I have never loved anyone, as much as I love you. You know that by now darling. - I say to Hamish, and a Reticulan shows me a Kermit puppet either to cheer me up or to steer me away from Hamish or both
Sweetheart? You and me have the strongest connection that I have ever felt to another living being... You are the most important... - me interrupted
You have also said, that you have loved those insects. - Hamish, "loved" in my native language NL, those insects was a mental image of Alpha Remulans
I love you, Hamish. - me, he makes a cute growl that sounds like content because I said I love him, it was the love growl-pur that means love and affection, so these words they got to him

When he talks about cheeses, years ago I mentioned to him that he smells bad like rotten cheese, and he has not been able to forget it, he feels self-conscious, and here he says that is why he avoids close contact.

Darling? You are very important to me, and therefore significant. - me
I was saying, Yes-No to that before. - Hamish, ie. about him being important and significant as I said here just before
You mean the world to me. - me
Yes-No, Tik Tik *growl*! - Hamish is upset
Darling? - me NL
But HAMISH! - me
I wanted my eggs. And therefore I was not important to you anymore. - Hamish still hands on lower back
I love you! - me, he thinks about biting into my fingers, he is upset. Alpha Reticulan shows me a Kermit puppet to try to get my mind off Hamish and to cheer me up.
Yes-No, NASA team, the floor! - Hamish, "the floor" in my other language, so the NASA team is trying to talk to Hamish and Hamish is just dismissing them, the floor was about his rug perhaps since I had tapped on it with my hand before
Hamish? Are you ok? How are you feeling, what are your thoughts, do you feel ok? Do you know how much I love you? - me
My eggs said to me, and therefore grrll. - Hamish, "and therefore I was important" or "and therefore I was significant" he may have said at the end but made it into a soft growl, he seemed pleased
Yes-No, balloons! I wanted it, No, there! Yes-No, grrl. - Hamish the balloon from the hedgehog story the book is still open on the floor next to his rug, "I wanted it" means the hedgehog being the it a hedgehog in the story of the children's book [Added same day: "I wanted it, No, there!" he is saying that he does not want the hedgehog to be there, either in the children's book on the floor, or more likely that he does not want the hedgehog to be in the hot air balloon.]

He mentioned his underpants earlier, that means shedded scales from that area he calls that his underpants. Now Hamish is being clearly upset, he has his feelings hurt, and now a lot of stress is coming up in his thoughts, all of the things that have been bothering him, such as that I have said that he smells bad like cheese, the Dinosaur having said there was broken glass on his rug, he even mentioned onions which bothers him, he is just having a meltdown of upset and all kinds of upset is coming out at the same time. This is the time when I would lay my arms around him and cradle him softly to sleep in my loving arms, but how does one comfort and soothe a dragon?

Yes-No, comforted. - Hamish
Yes-No, the NASA team!!! - Hamish so upset that he opens his mouth
Sweetheart? Why are you so sad and upset? - me
Because you said the spaceman was better than me. And that he was therefore more important.. And I was a Yes-No to you. My underpants, I have shown them to you. And therefore I was not significant. - Hamish

Reptilians believe that their shedded scales are important and signify esteem and respect. When other Reps visit our home, they tend to squat down by Hamish's rug and watch his lined up shedded scales with tremendous awe and admiration. When he said "And therefore I was not significant" just now, he means that he has shown me his shedded scales and he is being upset that I am not treating him as significant even though he did such an honorable gesture as showing me his scales. I didn't realize that Hamish had so much intellect that he could have followed and understood what I wrote about the astronauts and relationships to aliens vs. to humans. He took it personally, and there is nothing I can say to undo that, because he knows precisely what I wrote. How do I fix this?

Hamish? - me
I would like to say, Yes-No, to me. - Hamish
I say, Yes Hamish. - me, and I make a real effort to make mentally the sound of a growl-purr even though those are difficult, I try a second time, they are hard to make, but it is the only way in his language that I know of, to tell him "I love you"
With me cannot bite, they have said. - Hamish NL about the Reticulans have told him not to bite, he spoke this calm
Hamish? I love you more than anything. - me
They don't like to be called mushrooms, or mushroom heads. - Hamish to me about Reticulans
I love you. You are the most, important and significant person I have ever met. You have even shown me your scales, and they were therefore significant. You have even, placed some of your shedded groomed bits on my skin and in my hand and shared those with me. And I thank you for that. They are beautiful shedded scales. Are you upset that I have patted my hand down on your rug? I was only guarding you from the glass, that wasn't there, the Dinosaur had been lying. I protect you, dragon. I will always guard you and keep you safe. - me
They live there, under leaf piles and heaps. - Hamish eyes closing out of true comfort, hands though still at back of back hump, he thinks image of a pile of leaves in a garden and he means of course hedgehogs that sleep there, he likes hedgehogs
Hamish, I am proud of you, I am proud of your race and your scales. I have seen your shedded scales and therefore you were very important to me, and I love you. I have seen your back hump, and it was a good race. You were important and significant to me, and I have honored you also. You are my honored Hamish, you know that. - me
Yes-No. - Hamish wants to bite into my hands
Why Yes-No? - me
My liver snacks. - Hamish with all earnest
I am the proudest race, that I have ever seen. Therefore what you have said, about the astronaut was not false. I was the Yes-No to you! I was the less-important. - Hamish, the italic about being Yes-No to me he wanted to bite into my hand
I was not, the right smell to you. You have said Yes-No, to mine. And therefore I was like the onions, to you. - Hamish
Hamish, stop this right now. Do I spend more time with you or with my own race? With you. I share my life with you! Don't ever think that you are not the most important person in my whole life and heart! I LOVE YOU DRAGON! I LOVE YOU. I will always love you. I love you Hamish. Please don't be upset with me anymore, I love you so much, I could cry. - me
I was not the proud race, and scales, with your and mine, back. - Hamish
I am proud of your race. Because I love you. - me
And also you have eaten them. - Hamish with mental image of shrimp
And I don't have a sofa here. And therefore I wanted to bite you, I said! - Hamish wants to bite because there is no sofa
If I get for you a sofa, will you be a little bit happier? I can buy a sofa for you. - me
One with leathers, thanks. - Hamish with image of black leather
You want a leather sofa? Gee... - me
You have said that I smell bad. And therefore I was not important to you. - Hamish
You smell like my Turtle Dragon, and therefore it is the best smell in the world. My Turtleback. - me
I don't like to smell these rotten bananas. And therefore they were bad, and not like me. - Hamish, they were bad meaning the bananas
You are still my buttercups, Eva. - Hamish, using my first name which is not Eva

I ate shrimp today. I was at a buffet and I ate all sorts of things and I knew that Hamish was watching closely and I was still hoping that he wouldn't notice. And he only told me about it now. Of course it is one of his upsets. And as for the bananas, a new thing I did was to put banana peels and other compost into a small plastic bag and keep it in my bedroom next to the bookshelf it was on the floor, so that I could take it like I did today to the compost bin outdoors. I didn't want it in the kitchen since then my flatmates would put stuff in it too and I am not happy about always taking out their trash too, so I decided to keep it here. Draconians have sensitive noses and they really do not like trash. He is now upset and listing everything upsetting that has been on his mind, the lack of a sofa, that I ate shrimp, the banana peels, life just sucks for Dragon right now, and it started when he thought that I don't appreciate him because of what I wrote about astronauts and about my relationships with the aliens and with Hamish.

Even the Santinians, who are a friendly human-like ET race, and Jack with the NASA team had to intervene since they too were concerned. The director was Jack, I saw his face when he spoke to me. Oh Dragon, I would die for you, you know that. Hamish has now retreated to a dark underground base, the one that has those large blue plastic barrels that Hamish finds fascinating and sometimes goes to stand next to, they either contain food bits for Reps or waste products from the Rep base or sometimes one and sometimes the other. I see him blinking there in the darkness, all alone, I think he is cute but he is a big dragon that can take care of himself. But there is a whole emotional side to him, he had his feelings hurt today.

Yes-No! - Hamish wants to bite into my hand because I said his feelings were hurt, so he objects, and he means that his feelings were not hurt
I wanted a sofa. - Hamish
Preferably one with leather... - says Hamish and his eyes closing in a different kind of smile, one almost like intoxication like being drunk on alcohol, from the thought of having a leather sofa
Hello, I am like a father here to you. - Jack from the NASA team says to me
Tik Tik, grrll-hiss! - Hamish growl-hisses to Jack

Here is another picture from the live streaming from outer space. The astronaut is out in space in a spacesuit and perhaps working on their equipment. And meanwhile my relationship with Hamish has undergone a tumultuous blow.

It hurts in me, I have pain over my chest, and there are painful dark tears in me like knives that want to come out and hurt me. Other than when Hamish had a hissy fit about some lobster or shrimp a few years back, we have never had an argument, so this hurts. I just need him to put his arms around me and to tell me that everything is ok. I want him to say sweet and comforting things to me. I want things to go back to normal. I want to put my head on the pillow and cry myself to sleep with a pain in my chest. He won't put his arms around me. I have injured him, I have injured my dragon, the one person who means the most to me in the world. And I don't know how to comfort him! I don't know how to fix this. I will continue to tell him that I honor him, that I am proud of his race and that he is important and significant, but Hamish is the kind of dragon that never forgets. He has still not forgotten that one time when I told him that he smells like cheese, and that was five years ago. How do I comfort him? I will make for him growl-purrs, time and time again, telling him in his own language "that I love him", until I get too tired and I fall asleep. I need him to hug me, because it hurts inside me!

Yes-No onions! - Hamish
Yes-No onions, Hamish! - me

Are things back to normal?

A few minutes later. Hamish shows up in a clear mental image of him. He has such a proportionally small head like most Draconians. My red dragon. He puts his hand that has three chubby fingers on my shoulder. This is the hug I had been wanting, dragon has hugged me by touching his hand on my shoulder. He then stuffs a few pieces of individual bits of shedded scales into the palm of my right hand, and he tells me, in my native language, that he had had to put some little pieces there. "I love you Hamish", I tell him now that I see him. He lifts up one flat red duck foot off the floor a bit. "For me", he says in my native language. "For me there were peels", he says in my native language, peels meaning the shedded scales. "They were important to me.", he says in English about the scales. "They are important", I say to Hamish. He now puts his hand down on my lower belly, about where the uterus and eggs would be. "They were for me!", Hamish says in my native language meaning the eggs.

"They were for me", he says in my native language, and stuffs a few shreads of his shedded scales into the palm of my right hand like payment for the eggs. He puts his hand down even lower than my lower belly where my woman parts are. Now he puts his hand higher up on my belly just above the belly button, I felt his hand pressing down on my belly. "They were my eggs", says this fire engine red dragon in English. "Soon it is going to be Christmas, and I am going to be over there, and on that sofa. And then everything will be good.", Hamish in English, "over there" was mom's Christmas tree that he likes to lie under when it is all decorated in the living room, and mom has a sofa that he loves. "Yes, Hamish. We will spend a nice Christmas at mom's place, and you can enjoy the Christmas tree and the sofa. And I will get you a present.", I say, meaning to get for him a package of red Christmas tree ball ornaments that he loves.

He stands there, and his upper and lower eyelids are closing fully, he is making a big smile. "I gave her some. And therefore it was mine!", Hamish tells another alien about how he put scales into my hand and his eyes are still smiling big, he opens his nostrils and thinks of the smell of his shedded scales which is a comfortable smell for him. I guess everything is good now, between Hamish and me.

Back to Thoughts