<THOUGHTS

Greatest Love
January 24 2015

About how much I love this Dragon Turtle

January 24 2015, 9:10 PM - I was thinking of how rude it had been of Captain Marsden last night to say "don't worry, I've got a gun" when me and Hamish were having a fun friendship moment. So [added: tonight, just now] I pulled out Hamish's ruggy ruggy from the closet and laid it out flat carefully on the bedroom floor, then I turned the lights off because as we know Reptilians like things dark. I carried on with doing stuff on the computer and forgot all about things.

Then Hamish comes unusually near me, I see his bright fire engine red and orange body, his throat and belly near me. "Have you seen my pizza shirt?", he asks me, referring to his chest. I don't know what he means, but he asks again. So I think someone may have made the comment to him, though it wasn't me, that his body or chest looks like "pizza", which come to think of it is true, the colors of orange and fire engine red kind of look like a pizza with cheese and tomato.

Then I wonder why on earth is Hamish coming so close to me and interacting with me this way, while surely he has done so before it is just very rare of him to do so. Then I look back and sure enough, Dragon is nestled up on the snuggy rug that sits behind me. That is why he was so close. Hamish stands with his two flat feet on the rug feeling all comfy and soothed. Imagine how a human slips into a hot jacuzzi tub, that is kind of what you see when Hamish enjoys his rug. The undersides of his feet are so delicate and sensitive, there is something about the soft plush fibers of that rug that soothe him all over.

My eggs said that to me, so that is why I do not mind. If my eggs said it. That I was soothed, when I was not. I was only standing here to look at you? So, I was not soothed, with them. - Hamish
Oh, my mistake, Hamish. I meant no harm. You just look like you're enjoying the rug. - me
I was going to steal them? - Hamish
Steal what, Hamish? What will you steal? The ruggy? - me
The eggs. - Hamish
Of course. The eggs, you will steal them. - me

Ok. But anyway, he was standing behind me, and his exhales were almost purrs, they were on the verge of purrs of delight. And he was sniffing around, enjoying having his scents on that rug. He feels at home on that rug, especially with his scents being on it since years back, it is like his nest. You all know what happens when I wash it, or when I tried to introduce the big plush rug "that didn't smell right". So I told him, that it was "Hamish's rug".

We have these moments together, that are really special and meaningful, maybe for both of us. I mean, here we are in a dark quiet room and he stands on a plush rug that I laid out for him behind me and he is enjoying standing on it. We are feeling each other's thoughts and sensations. He is enjoying being all relaxed on that rug, and with his scents. I've lived with this creature for three and a half years, intimately close. We each know all of each other's secrets. I love him, and maybe (I doubt it) he loves me too.

Hamish do you love me? - me
It would be a war if I said yes I do. - Hamish
Why, a war? Why would there be a "war" if you loved me, Hamish? Like a friend? Are you my friend? Do you enjoy being with me? Do you like my company? - me
Why are there oysters in the sea? - Hamish
Why? - me
The fishing company wants them. - Hamish, about the oysters, some Japanese fishing boat
What? Do you love me then? Oysters are good eating. Are you saying that I am food for you? Am I also your friend? - me
The mat was, Yes-No, to me. - Hamish about his rug, Yes-No if you don't know it means No
.. Hamish. - me
They pull them out of the ocean, for me to eat. I have tried them. - Hamish, then he opens his mouth open wide, I see into his soft toothless mouth, a strange and bizarre exotic creature and sight to see, but still nonetheless the love of my life
Have you eaten oysters? Did you like to eat it? Was it tasty snacks to you? - me
I don't have to struggle, with them. - Hamish, that oysters don't have to be fought to be eaten
That's good Hamish. Did you like that snacks? - me
It was better than my eggs, they said. - Hamish
And then we don't have to do that. - Hamish means ejaculation to fertilize my eggs to make his snacks

And here I thought that the reference to oysters was going to describe how he feels about me and our friendship, but turns out he has just thought of something else to say and changed the subject.

So here I guess this is goodbye. That Hamish needs you no more. - Hamish
... Hamish. Do you have to leave me now? Can't I stay with you and live with you forever? Can I live on that oyster ship? I want to live with you. - me
I was not your Dragon! - Hamish says in the cutest voice and opens his mouth wide
I would miss you, Darling. I have loved you since the first day we were together. But I want you to be happy. If oysters is good snacks for you, then you don't need my eggs snacks anymore. As long as you have snacks. I love you. I would do anything for you Hamish. I love you more than I love myself. It means I would die for you. It means I would do anything for you. - me
I just have to sit there, and wait for my snacks. They do anything for me too! - Hamish, "there" was him sitting on a rocking oyster boat in the Japanese sea, he meant that the people there who give him oysters are also or already doing anything for him, meaning feeding him
Anything else I can do for you, Honey? - me
Yes, would you scratch my back. - Hamish, aha he has an itch on his hump back where a black thorn is growing out
I can scratch your back, Darling. - me
That is why I did that. - Hamish shows me mental image of when he scratched his back hump on the edge of the shower door handle at my previous residence, remember when I used to see him do that and I thought it was so funny I laughed out loud sometimes? But then I sometimes wondered if instead he had gotten stuck while trying to turn around, but no, turns out he was indeed just scratching his back like a big bear.
And that means we don't have to put more sperm into you. - Hamish
That's good. It means I don't have to be hurt anymore. Thank you Hamish for finding another way, for finding some other snacks! You can always come back to see me and visit me anytime. I will always be your friend. I will always love you. I will always help you, Honey. - me
Start by not calling me a bear. I am not that, I said. My Iroquois was not with the iron. - Hamish
Thank you for wanting to give me a Christmas present. I wanted to have them. - Hamish, with mental image of his flat red duck foot down on the floor right next to a big wrapped Christmas present
Do you still want a present from me? - me
I am there, eating them. - Hamish in an oyster boat that is rocking on the waves, there he can eat oysters
I am glad you eat oysters. They are tasty for me too, I love oysters. - me
I wish I could give you a hug, Hamish. Remember me always, like you have remembered the man whose name was Hamish. - me, "Hamish" was a man he knew more than a hundred years ago and he named himself after him
Hamish. You have changed me forever. - me
Now I don't have to worry about that man anymore. - Hamish, shows me my ex whom I visited in November
You never had to worry about him. Like I've told you, me and him never had sex. The eggs were safe, I said. Please don't worry, Darling. I never wanted to worry you. I always wanted to take care of you, and help you. You have changed me forever. You have made me more than I ever was. - me
I wasn't friendly, not even with that. - Hamish, "friendly" in my native language, and "that" was the pink plush rug that he showed me
I think you have been very friendly with me. I have enjoyed our friendship. - me, he opens his mouth wide to display to me, a sign of dominance or power since I just now "insulted" his "manliness" or "esteem"

So, let's show him affection and love the only way that anyone can to a Dragon:

My Honored Hamish and Hamish's honored race of Dragon Turtles. Honored back hump and scales. My Honored Hamish, I will tremble before your power. - me, he shows me his back hump now
Honored Draconian Hamish, my beautiful King Dragon scales. - me
And don't forget my goosebumps. I have them too, and they are also honored. - Hamish shows the orange zits along his forearms
Honored goosebumps, and your father had those too. Honored Hamish, I love you so much! - me
I wasn't going to say, Yes-No, to that, buttercups! - Hamish
... Are you leaving me now? - me, he opens his mouth to show power, since I "offended" him by seemingly making a "request", even though it was a question
If you have found a better place, ... - me interrupted
I would like to take that rug with me. - Hamish about the rug here
You can take it with you. It is yours to take, I have given it to you. - me
It is mine, with no contest. - Hamish
It is yours to take. No contest. It was a gift, because you loved it so. I still remember when you claimed it, back in the beginning, you loved it so much, ... - me
My television. - Hamish claims the big tv in our living room
Yes, yes. Your television, you can have it too. - me
My eggs were behind it, watching me. - Hamish, he has seen me go behind the tv to turn the tv power off, that is what he meant. I am the eggs.
Hamish. Good luck on your travels in Japan. I know that you have friends there. Please don't forget me completely. Think of me sometimes, if you can. - me, now he opens his mouth at me, because I "offended" him by giving him a "request" to think of me. It is an automatic reaction, like when humans smile without having to choose to do so actively.
I hope that everybody you meet takes good care of you, because you are one special Dragon. I love you, I honor you. I honor you Hamish, your back turtle and goosebumps, and your beautiful red color. - me, he watches me tilting his head left, right, left, right, as he heard these as some very beautiful words he listens carefully
I am always your friend here. - me, Hamish shows me a mental image of that famous mountain in Japan
Mount Fiji. - Hamish

I search that on the internet, oh they meant Mount Fuji in Japan, that's the one.

I want to tell him that I love him so. I want to tell him that I would die for him. I have to believe that he knows. I've had three years to tell him all these things. How he changed my life, my very soul. I don't want to cry, but I cry when I think of what this dragon creature means to me. It's the fact that he's a person, living inside that body of his. I've seen something vulnerable and real living in him. (Now he tells me how Japanese people in Japan wear slippers indoors.) How he shows me goldfish and how keen he always was on that one fish with red scales. It's the little things he does that defines him I think. When he placed a sheet

I am Royal. - Hamish says
... Yes. Hamish is Royal. My Royal Dragon King, my Hamish. - me

When he placed a sheet of his shedded scales on top of the freshly baked apple pie so that he claimed it so I wouldn't eat any cause it contained sugar that would ruin their DNA work with my eggs. That sort of things. When he leant against me "to dry himself" after his head and neck got wet when he had leant too closely to me in the shower. That sort of thing. Stompety stomp with his duck feet on soft plush rugs. Or wiping his feet real fast backwards to wipe some gunk off his feet to clean them. All the things that he does. I love him so much that it kills me.

I am not the greatest reward, she said to me. - Hamish, "she" is me
I was not with that. - Hamish points to goldfish, he has been listening to my stories and means that he is not with the goldfish now
I was not with Japan. - Hamish, "with" Japan or "in" Japan, he means not now

He is a person. He happened to be born a Dragon Turtle, along with all of the obligations that comes with being born belonging to a species. His culture, his circumstances, his body, the other people around him. He is a living creature, he looks around, he reacts to things, he feels. He eats, he rests, he can get angry, he shows power, he has mated with Dragon Turtles and made nests of eggs and visited those eggs to watch for when they hatch into "Hatch-Its". He eats snacks, liver is his favorite. He likes looking at goldfish, he is mesmerized by their beautiful orange colored scales, and he thinks they speak to him when they come up to the surface opening and closing their mouth.

How he sometimes gets scared of Dark Lords and scurries with his head bent down trying to fit underneath the desk that he calls "the table hole". When he has held me in his arms during tumbles, claiming to "look at me", or "showing me the power". When we camped out in the earliest days, me lying flat on my back in bed, him lying flat on his back underneath my bed that bed where he could fit, like bunk buddies camping out, and we were both quiet just aware of each other, back when I didn't know what on earth he was or what was going on.

All the times I have looked into his yellow bulging eyes with a narrow vertical brown slit, all the times he has looked into mine. How he taught me how to show Dragon emotions with my eyelids, how his lower eyelids close when he is humored, how I put my index finger on my lower eyelid to show him when I am feeling amused.

We are not your pets. Get that damn clear into your mind. - Black Reptilian, or otherwise Hamish
We just like our food to eat here. - Hamish or Black Reptilian

I have gone to sleep him being the last thing that I see. And when I wake up he is the first thing that is there. When he does gulping motions if he watches closely when I eat, how he puts his shedded scales everywhere all over the place! When he sprinkles his little bits of scales into my bath water when I am having a bath. How he stares at my crotch especially when I'm dancing, telling me that he is checking to see "whether the eggs are falling out", and his discontent roar every time I do a particular type of dance move in one of my exercise videos. All of his many Yes-No's, and how long it took me to figure out what those meant.

How he thinks that little shrimp can still see when I've bought them from the store. "Yes-No, disco!" sometimes when I'm listening to music in my room, or "No Onions!", self-evidently if I'm cooking with onions. His lemon face. That lemon face that he did when I asked him any questions, eyes closed into a narrow line, nostrils closed tight shut.

Yet, he is just Hamish. I don't think he knows how loved he is.

Humans evolved on Earth. We evolved to live life among fish and insects and other mammals. We were never made to encounter a wonderful person like Hamish. I love him so much, I can't live with it, I drown in that love. It kills me, and it sustains me, every time when we are together. I would die for him, even if he would never learn of what I did, just so that he can go on living and watching little goldfish eating fish food pellets and doing gulping motions with their mouth at him.

You were not my mother, I said to them. When they thought that I was. - Hamish, that he has said to those Japanese koi who gulped at the surface
What else did you say to those fish? What did you say to them? - me
I said to them, they cannot be there. - Hamish, that the fish cannot be in the house on the deck, he had said that to the fish

For Hamish to be alive and watching goldfish, that there is worth more than my whole entire life. It's like when in the original version of the story of the little mermaid she dies and the man she loved never finds out what she did for him and she turns into seafoam. Dragon Turtles are awesome. I've felt this way for all of the Dragon Turtles I've met, between five to ten of them or so, yellow ones and red ones like Hamish.

There are no words for my love for him, except that it goes beyond what humans were made to bear.

There are many silk things. - Hamish in my native language, shows me that the Japanese people he visits have many little silk things there
Are they for you? - me in my native language (NL)
I am taking them! - Hamish NL
My silky. - Hamish touching the silk things there with his fingers NL

Hahaha. Remember when the Japanese associates were going to teach me how to be a real Japanese lady, including the tea ceremony? Hahaha I totally failed that. Cause Hamish wanted me and the Japanese Dragon Dynasty men to make some children, which we did, and trust me I had no say in any of it or much recollection anyways. Hamish is actually a Japanese Dragon.

As long as he lives and is ok, his flat red duck feet touch the world he walks on, he shows his back hump to others, gets upset about red toys and things, says Yes-No to onions, purrs and does palate clicks when he is happy, and as long as this world has Hamish in it, then I don't care about anything else. I want Hamish to be there with me the day when I die as an old woman in my bed, I want his fire engine red and orange scales to be the last thing that I ever see, and then I can let my body turn to dust. I wish I could die for him, because I love him so endlessly, but I have to live with this immense infatuation for many more years to come. I love you Sock Turtle Feet.

I was not a bear, tell them. - Hamish because I wrote about bears somewhere earlier, he says with his nostrils closed shut as a facial expression
I was not going to be hugged many times, by you. Yes-No, it was not needed. - Hamish tells me, about the hugs
That is ok. Would you like me to scratch your back for you? - me, he smiles with his lower eyelids closing upward, he is pleased about what I said
I was not your bear. - Hamish about bears again
No, Hamish. You were my Dragon. My Honored Dragon Turtle. - me

I was not a bear. - Hamish
No, Hamish was a Dragon. - me

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