Floating In Space
May 08 2013

This page is only for adults. You must be 18 years or older to read this.
There are some bad things in the universe that young people
should not have to know about, or be bothered with.

I sit here all empty inside. My heart is gone. I am emotionally numb, and lifeless. I never knew what it would feel like to be a rape victim. I guess I hadn't ever wondered about it. When you hear about how it happens to other women, you kind of say oh how bad it is and poor women. I didn't know it would feel like this. I had no idea what it would do to a woman to be raped. I have been raped by the praying mantis ET and their children.

You are our cow, that is why. - Thuban praying mantis says now
I didn't mean for this to hurt you, either. You were just part of our genetics plan. - Thuban
And! We don't want you to go to church either! - Thuban

The worst rape happened last night. In the one and a half years that I have been documenting the alien contact, I have diligently written down everything that has happened. Eagerly typed up all the events and happenings, things said, and my observations and experiences. I would always get to a computer, or if one was not around, grab a piece of pen and paper. But last night's assault left me completely empty, and I know that I was empty because even the passion for documenting this project was gone. I was not eager to write things down. I was not excited about alien contact. I had died inside. They take something away from me, when they rape me. The aliens and their hybrid children. And there is no way that I can have any of it back.

We don't want you to see, that we live off juices. - Thuban with its mouth churning with its yellow baleen, as if that's going to help, as if that's going to interest me, or repair things
You weren't here for your DNA were you? Because that is what we wanted to see. - Thuban
And, all summer we are going to be here and doing this. Because, it has been decided. - Thuban
And your sons are here. And they wanted to investigate with us. - Thuban

I didn't know what rape does. I thought that it would make a woman angry, because for the past many rapes that the Thubans did I was only angry. For the past few weeks when their rapes intensified and became more frequent I have been screaming at them. But suddenly last night I was all numb, empty, and lifeless. And they raped me again like they have every day now for the past few weeks. And when I didn't fight against it it was worse, much stronger, much more damaging. The graphic details of how a rape is done will have to be reserved for my books, as I cannot post it here.

In August 2011 I was contacted by a man from Orion. Soon after, a Dinosaur showed up. Then, Hamish the Red Reptile jumped into my bedroom and they have been with me ever since. In April 2012 the Thuban first showed up. It was cruel, heartless and sadistic. I called her the "Nazi Lady", and also "Zeta Lady" because at first I thought it was one of the familiar Zetas, white with black eyes. But they are called the dolphins and they are the praying mantis ET.

Do you know why tomatoes are red? - Hamish now asks me in the other language
It's because of a pigment Hamish. - me
But, have they seen our race? - Hamish
I don't think they have eyes to see with. They are just red Hamish. Many things are red Hamish besides your race and scales. - me
But I don't think they need to have it with me? And! I do not have a tongue. - Hamish
That is ok, Hamish. It is alright. You are my Red One. You are my Dragon Turtle. And I love you. - me
They are red because they have seen me, I said. - Hamish
Yes Hamish. That is why tomatoes are red. - me
They have seen me. - Hamish
Yes. Tomatoes have seen you. That made them turn red for you. They honor your scales that way. Don't you think? - me
We haven't made an acquaintance with them before. - Hamish
So. I just wanted to say that. To make you feel all that bit better. - Hamish
Thank you my Dragon Turtle. You always make me feel better. - me
Thank you Hamish. - me
So that you would feel better, I have given it to you I said. - Hamish, he had a thought about somehow giving me his throat scales to have, because he must know by now I want to burrow myself into his scales and hold him when I feel down, and by having the red tomatoes I could have a piece of Hamish with me. Isn't he sweet?
Yes, No, Dragon Turtle. - Hamish says
Why 'no'? - me

I welcomed my alien visitors into my life. I was so happy and so intrigued to meet with the Orion man, and Dinosaur. Even Hamish, after our first few months of getting to know one another and figuring out a way to coalesce as two different individuals, he became my best friend in the whole world. The Thuban was mean. Racist, sadistic, cruel, heartless, and hateful toward me. But in spite of that I tried to make friends. I was set to be a happy person, to welcome them, to enjoy this fascinating journey of getting to know real extraterrestrials. I would understand our differences, and respect her culture. She could be all the sassy she wants. I was going to cherish including her into my life.

Of course it felt tumultuous finding out that I had these alien hybrid children. Not only had they been taken from my body and grown up into children without me, but they were even farther away than that by being part alien beings. But I loved them. I loved my children, and I enjoyed having them visit me in my bedroom. The children loved to see my stuffed animals and loved to play with them. They especially liked my stuffed zebra. They looked around the room, inspecting all manner of things. And the children liked to hide in the closet, they still do.

We try to dance like you do too!! - says one of my hybrid little girls right now
Yes. She wants to be like her mother. - Thuban
... But you rape me... - me
Watch your mouth. - Thuban

It didn't take long in the contacts with Thubans and hybrid children when I noticed that they were doing sexual things to me. I cannot describe the nature of these sexual things on a public internet, but you encounter such descriptions in the books. Somehow they can activate my sexual energy and cause it to flare up to levels I have never experienced with a partner, or by myself, and which I never thought possible. I call it "the white flame" as I literally see the energy as a white flame that burns me up, but it is cool, not hot. I cannot go into details here. Save it for the books. The story has to be told, but not here.

Early on I had objections with the way the Thubans were... I'm sorry I cannot say it. There is no way I can post this on the internet. But the Thubans are pedophiles, ok? They expose their hybrid children to sexuality at a way early age, starting from infancy. And they force me to be a pedophile during abductions. With my own sons and daughters. I cannot tell you what I've seen. I cannot write it here. And the worst part of it is, that I somehow feel responsible. I feel as if any day now someone will storm through that door and accuse me of pedophilia, just because I dare to write about my experiences. I am afraid that I will get in trouble. I try telling myself that I have to write this story. And that I am

You are our dog that is why. - Thuban
And! You are not the victim here either! So there is no need for your tears! - Dinosaur
We are going to help you, to feel better. And that is a given! A grant! - Dinosaur
We will make your muscles relax. - Thuban
And, we don't want you to write this anymore. And. Please stop it. Now. Or they will come after me! - Thuban
So? Who are you writing these letters to? Huh? Hm? - General Patton
She is not our dog I said! - Thuban to General Patton

Floating, in the middle of nowhere. Between this world of ours, a blue and green planet, and space. Space is a large cold place. No one can hear you scream in space, and your thoughts are muffled and nobody listens. I have been raped. And I want to go to a hospital to get the care that I need. But I cannot go there and write those papers and say that it was the aliens who did it. Because then I will not be given the care that I need, instead I will be told that my experiences did not happen, and have my entire integrity undermined, when it is only my integrity left inside me that still holds me together. So I am alone. I have been raped by Thubans and children. And they are going to do it again. And again. Until I cannot any longer.

Why do I feel so ashamed in writing this? Why do I fear that law enforcement would come after me? It is the guilt trip that victims often do, or so I have heard. Somehow this is my fault. Somehow I am filthy and impure for creating the words that do not even carry what I have been through. Somehow I feel that I have no right to write these things, but it must come from my feeling that as a woman I have no right to acknowledge that I have been hurt, and that is only because I have been trampled on and destroyed completely as a woman. I am not a woman any longer. I am drifting floating somewhere there out in space, lost somewhere between their world and ours. Because I dared to go out there into space with them, I took their hand and let them in to my heart, my room, my world, my Earth, my mind, my body, my all and my everything. And they raped me. With Thubans and with hybrid children.

Last night was the worst rape that they have done to me so far. And I cannot even tell you what they did because it is too graphic and too obscene to post anywhere on the internet. Which makes me have to internalize, to implode, to suffer entirely in myself. This documentary was my pride and joy. Real alien contact came to me. Real aliens. What do you think of that SETI? They raped me. So who cares about aliens anymore. How can the wonder of alien life still remain wonderful, when the wonder of a human woman has been defiled. We find more beauty in ourselves and in each other as humans, than we will find in these despicable creatures that rape me.

I find myself drifting. I am nowhere and nothing. Floating in a vast space, set loose from where I thought I had a ground. I cannot even scream at them anymore. And when I found that I was no longer screaming at them to get away, that was when I realized that their many rapes had finally broken me, depleted me. I am completely numb and lifeless. They could pick me up and I could not even support myself. I just want to crawl to bed and stare nowhere and at nothing. Because everything I thought I knew and was, wasn't. I don't reach for anything, I don't want to go anywhere, and I have got nothing to say or to do. I don't cry, I don't scream or get angry, and I feel no love or bubbly joy or happiness like I did before. And I survived many rapes with the Thubans, but not this one last night and then the other one today. And they will do it again tomorrow. And again and again.

I can not fight any longer. I am numb. They are going to rape me and I am numb. Something has snapped in me and I am not fighting it any longer. When I realized I was no longer screaming at them that was when I realized I had been raped.

Please, Hamish, come to me. I want to burrow my face into your honored red scales. Please carry me and protect me, bite the pesky aliens and children and don't let them near me. Protect me all night, I know that you can bite them. Give me your palate clicks and tell me that the world is alright. Tell me "No, Onions!" and I tell you that I won't cook with them. Stomp your Dragon feet on the bathroom rugs and let me see when you shed your scales on the ruggies. And maybe even put one of your scales into my hand when I sleep. Tell me not to touch your tail, and to watch out for your back hump.

I wish I could sleep next to Hamish in his Dragon cave, curl up beside his Kissy Feet and bring a pillow and a soft blanket. He would guard me like I were an egg in his nest, and bite everybody who comes close. I would sleep there listening to his Dragon exhales, and breathing in sync with him. I just want to look at my Dragon Turtle.

I ended up going to bed with a red tomato right next to me. After all, Hamish had given it to me as a gift, to comfort me. Thank you Hamish for letting me have it.

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