<THOUGHTS

Raped
July 01 2013

Today I am depressed. I have got a depression. And it is a little bit more than sadness. I don't feel great. Last night I was raped by one of the human men in black from the United States. The details will be in my book because I couldn't possibly tell you all the details here. But I woke up from it feeling miserable.

I have been trying to reconcile what happened all morning. I try to be ok with it, but I always get back to the conclusion that I was hurt. I try to be ok with this, because I want to be ok. I don't want to be hurting. I want everyone to get along. I want to enjoy my ET contacts, I want life in the Alien Agenda to be meaningful, rewarding. I want to continue to learn and to grow as a person, even though I have welcomed

We are not doing an intrusion, tell them that. - Hamish
I know, Hamish.. - me

I have welcomed them into my life. I have wanted to be someone who has alien contact every day. I have wanted to be a part of what they do. They were (alien) people who came to me and who have asked me for help, for assistance in their alien genetics program. And I wanted life to be possible and pleasant with them. But I find myself more and more often just suffering. And I didn't want it to be like that.

I don't want you to either. - says Hamish, he means suffer
We wanted to make you pregnant, with us. - Hamish, pregnant said in the other language

Am I just a body? Something to be fertilized? How about all the feelings I have in me, all the feelings related to having sex and reproduction and all of this? That makes it not ok when a man rapes me. Why could he not have talked to me first? Why did they intend for me to stay asleep and unconscious during the encounter in his bathroom? Why wasn't I comforted, or warmed up for the experience? Then I might have been willing and able to follow it through. Why? Do they think that by stealing me away from myself I can somehow not even know about what happened, and then that would be more ok than letting me know? They offer me no comfort. They ruin and break and smash my whole female identity and I am left a nervous wreck and here now with depression.

I was trying to formulate my life after last night's rape, trying to sort out the thoughts that come from the images I remember. Trying to find a place for everything in my brain, so that the memory could be stored away without interfering with what I thought I knew life would be like. But it was difficult. I was raped, and there is no way I can replace that with any other word that describes it. I didn't like what was done to me and I was hurt by it.

While I was already in a fragile state, Pakeha the white Zeta-human hybrid alien appeared in my home. He was throwing offense at me, one thing after another. I was Cro Magnon and cattle and sheep, dog and primitive and he was the superior better race. Not just what he says but how he says it. Completely demeaning behavior. What then makes matters worse is that he then solicits me for a sexual encounter. I got so mad at Pakeha I threatened to kill him and I yelled at him to get away and I sure let him know about it.

Rape and sexual assault is bad, and verbal abuse and putting someone down is bad, but when they are combined it creates a concoction that leads to an explosion in the human psyche and ruins them completely. I explained to the Aliens that I was hurt. That I could not have sex with someone who hates me and hurts me. I told the Aliens that I had suffered neural damage. I told them I was injured and suffering on the inside, even though it could not be seen on the outside. I was in such a poor state my body was trembling, my arms and hands were shaking, and I could notice how sad I had become, how very sad and depressed I felt.

But Hamish came to my rescue. Hamish came to see how I was doing. My Red Dragon Turtle Sock Puppet showed up, and seeing him made me feel safe and secure. I can always rely on my Scales, even if it is he who arranges me to go visit all of these bachelors, human and otherwise. But Hamish is my friend. He is strong and dependable, and he has never hurt me. Hamish doesn't want me to be hurt.

They are so mean, the Zetas, Thubans, hybrids (except not the chubby Illuminati hybrids, they are sweet), all the white ETs. I mean, Reptilians are dominating but they are not mean in the same way. A Reptilian doesn't break me down, ever. Reptilians just assume that they are supreme and they go with that. Their supremacy sits in their mind and does not rely on putting someone else down. Reptilians already know themselves as powerful and they don't need to put someone else down in order to feel that way. But all of the white ETs they put other races down so that they can feel safe and secure in their own position. And that makes them in my opinion far more dangerous.

Hamish has never hurt me. He has never made me feel terrible. Sure, sometimes he says things to set the hierarchies straight, or pushes me around to show me his power, but it never relies on breaking me down as a person. The Reptilian play of dominance is more superficial, and you can play around with them in their dominance games without it ever seeping into who you are, or your psyche. But the white ETs they break you down, they are masters at diminishing a human being into nothing. And then in that state they ask you to have sex with them. It does massive damage.

The white ETs they borrow our human reproductive ability by incorporating select genes from humans and into their DNA to make hybrids that have the beginnings of genitalia, some hybrids are even fertile and can reproduce. But they have not inherited any sense of understanding the vast mental world that is associated with sexual behavior. There is none of the tenderness involved. There is no gentle and respectful approach between a man and a woman. They rape. And they act as if they are civilized and superior to humans. The only thing they have going for them is arrogance. With arrogance they think of themselves as superior, but I seriously question whether there are any real merits by which to award them elevated status.

If you have a creature that thinks a lot and has a lot of arrogance and thinks of itself as superior, that in itself is not true superiority by any standards. Then superiority is only their mentally contrived state, not rooted in anything real or measurable on the outside of their thoughts.

Perhaps superiority could be measured by technological advances, but how many of the Agenda's technological feats have been constructed by any of its true adhering members, and not stolen from other advanced civilizations who may have also developed things such as compassion.

What is superiority, and what is arrogance. Are we dealing with just an arrogant group of ETs, who think it is right to break someone down and then rape them? I do realize that I am in a breeding program, and in that it should be perfectly expected that somebody has sex with me if it is not done in laboratory methods. But why this way? Why break me down? Why destroy me so fundamentally and completely as a person? Why? Why not adjust their methods and make it more compassionate and gentle with us humans? Why does "rape" have to factor into it at all? Why the arrogance, and racism?

Maybe me and Pakeha could have become great friends, and even lovers at one point. I am not an impossible person to suave. But now I hate him. I would kill him if he as much as touches me. I will attack him if he talks to me or if I ever have to see him again. The arrogance in him makes him truly vile and disgusting as a being. I have no respect for him and the fact that he is an extraterrestrial visitor grants him no exceptional treatment. I thought I could be understanding and tolerant of their many behaviors since these are real extraterrestrial entities. I was going to understand our differences like a biologist would. But the tolerance and understanding I can apply, they are entirely incapable of doing the same. The white ETs despise me. And I will have nothing to do with them. Especially not sex.

Oh and Hamish wants me to have sex with Olav again. Olav was allowed to look at me from a distance via alien-enabled remote viewing connection. He even watched me in the shower, but I don't care I am so through with that I don't even care anymore. Hamish said that Olav is related to the Tsar of Russia. No surprise there. But what surprised me was when Hamish said that I was also. Quite a surprise there.

I hate it when Olav looks at me and when he is asked to have sex with me. Because then he looks at me and considers if he would want to do it with me and then he thinks that I am not attractive enough for him and he compares me to all kinds of other women he's ever seen or been with. And then I want to just die. Besides I intentionally cut my hair short and don't try to look pretty and even try to gain extra pounds just so that all these men would leave me alone. Not just the men that the Agenda brings me to but also men in everyday life because I feel very uncomfortable if anybody looks at me a certain way.

I don't like Olav and he isn't attracted to me. It is very harmful to have to have sex with someone who doesn't find me attractive. It hurts me. I am more than eggs and my twelve-strand DNA. I am something that has to live in this body that seems to not even be my own. I was made for this, the Agenda made me genetically. I was

My pyy-pyy. - says Hamish, pyy-pyy is my ladyparts

I was replaced at birth with the actual baby. The Illuminati gangster-clad hybrid men told me that not long ago. I mean my mother had a baby and that baby was removed and gotten rid of and I was put in its place. And I have alien DNA in me which is why I am clearly alien myself. I can do things like telepathy and other things we shouldn't even talk about. I know it's true. It's just cruel that I had to live here. I would have much rather lived in an alien base and not have to deal with humanity.

We were made to bleed with you. - speaks Hamish now, he probably means my period blood, which he is eagerly expecting
Pakeha doesn't want that kind of juice. - Hamish
I don't want Pakeha he is rude to me. I don't like him!, I said.. - me
Don't yell at me I am dominant. - Hamish
Forgive me, my Hamish Dragon. I will never yell at you again. *I love you so much.* You are my Dragon Turtle. - me
I have groomed. - says Hamish and turns his head to look toward the bathroom where he has shedded his scales
You are a Dragon and Dragons shed scales. It is normal for your race. - me
I wasn't going to talk to Pakeha anymore. - Hamish
He has hurt me Hamish! Help me! I don't feel good! Pakeha has hurt me! - me :(

Anyway. The cruelty is not necessary. They don't have to bring someone in to have sex with me who is going to be endlessly cruel. I don't mind giving my eggs to Hamish, because Hamish is my Dragon... now Hamish thinks about having blood in his mouth. Dragons eat blood but that's ok. He and Malik are waiting for my period blood but it doesn't happen.

The man who had raped me last night he came to check on me in the morning to see if I was ok. I guess I can appreciate his gesture but I am still hurt by him. I have no one's shoulder to cry on! I want a shoulder to cry on! This is violence! I have been abused! And I don't know anymore if I can just try to be ok with it. It has worked before, but now it doesn't. They are so mean to me! Everybody but Hamish and Malik are mean to me! Dinosaurs and Orions are also gentle, and the chubby Illuminati hybrids who are my Brothers they are also fine.

This is hurting me. I am really hurt this time. Pakeha, the white ETs, and the black-haired man who raped me last night. And guess what Olav did last night? He always thinks I look lesbian because I cut my hair short and I don't try to look pretty. He also said today that "he wished I wore better clothes". I don't want to look pretty for him! I wish they would leave me alone! This is my body! (And Hamish's.) But Olav had brought in a young woman to me last night and asked us to do things together. He had wanted to test if I was lesbian. Which I am not. I don't mind lesbians but I am not one. Olav is terrible, why do they keep bringing him in to me? I hate him! He doesn't even like me!

I thought I would find alien friends in this contact. I thought it would be fun to be with aliens. I thought they could all be my friends and family. But some of them are worse than Satan and Hitler. Pakeha should go to hell. He doesn't deserve to live anymore. I should ask the aliens to let me face him in the Coliseum. He wouldn't stand a chance against my fury. His arrogance is no match against my fury in self-defense. I have to destroy him, so that I can live.

I was surprised at how gentle Malik is with me. Malik said that they (the Black Ones) have had thousands of years to figure out human women, so he knows how to be gentle with us. Malik is ever so gentle with me. Even the Great One Fürst is gentle with me. Malik has never hurt me. Not ever. Then why Pakeha and all the others? No wonder I love the Reptilians, they are sweet and sugar compared to the mean ones. No wonder I love Malik and Hamish so much. They never hurt me. They never have!

Hamish said to me that he had put his poo into the laundry basket asking if I would wash it. He knows that the laundry in there goes to the wash so that was his reasoning. Personally I would have put poo into the toilet which is right next to it, but Hamish thinks like a Dragon. I told him it was ok and that I would help him wash if he needs me to. I love my Dragon and sometimes he gets his pee or poo here and there. He sometimes pees in the corner of the bathroom and then the Dinosaurs come wash it up. Normally he goes to the creek in the forest to use it as a toilet. He poos on the rocks there I've seen him.

In the future Hamish will have his very own bathroom in our house. I love this Dragon.

The white aliens are convinced that I am cattle and a dog. They treat me with no kindness. I didn't think ETs could be cruel. I didn't think that ETs could hurt people. It shouldn't be possible. This world we live in is innocent, but it wasn't. We live in a world where ETs can hurt people. But even the men hurt me, the military and government people who work with the ETs. How can they rape me and then not care about me to come help me when I cry? Why don't they take an hour of their life to come hold me in their arms and let me cry? Why do they all have to give me pain that I have to carry, that crumbles in me like broken glass?

I just want to curl up and feel sad but I don't know if it would help. At least I have my two boys, Hamish and Malik who cheer me up. They will take care of me.

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