<THOUGHTS

Am I enough
August 10 2013

Two years ago I was sitting by the desk in my college bedroom when a big imposing fire engine red Reptilian suddenly entered the room just like that. Life had not had a red Dragon Turtle before then. And ever since that moment he would become such a massive important inclusion in my life. Life would change forever. I am a planet, or in fact a tiny moon or space rock revolving around the big burning orange hot red sun that is Hamish. My life revolves around him. His greatness has changed my perspective.

Sometimes I feel sorry for Hamish. He spends his life here with me. His life is so valuable. The person that he is. His thoughts, his soul, the impressions he has

I am here because it helps me feeding. - Hamish says now
And I am not here about my throat. - Hamish

Everything his body feels, everything he sees and the thoughts he has throughout a day. His memories, his wishes and need to stay safe and nurtured, fed and healthy, comfortable and entertained. He is a person, he is more of a person than I will ever be. It is both a privilege and a burden to have him here with me, a burden because I worry that me and my small world might do no justice to a Dragon Turtle.

Justice? What does she mean? - Hamish wonders
I would like to know. What you mean by justice. - Hamish
It just means, that it is not fair that I cannot provide you with a perfect life here with me. I want to give you everything, make you very happy, and I don't know if I can. - me
I am with that duck. - Hamish, he shows me a mental image of the rubber ducky that one of my Sims characters had put on the floor of their home in the video game. He has watched me play that game. He watches everything I do.
I don't like that leather. It doesn't smell. - Hamish
I would like to have it. - Hamish, about the leather. He refers to - and showed me a mental picture of - the quartz crystal I have here on the desk, it has a brown thin leather - no sorry I am wearing it still - thin leather to tie it around the neck as a necklace. Hamish loves the smell of leather, but this leather doesn't seem to register a smell for him.

I wanted to see it in the bath. - Hamish about the yellow duck in the video game, how does he know it belongs in a bath? Maybe because we actually have one of those yellow ducks sitting on the edge of the bathtub here at home, so he must know where it belongs.

When you love someone you start to wonder if you ever are good enough for them. What kind of life can I provide for my Hamish? Will he be happy with me?

It doesn't smell. - Hamish about the leather string around my neck
I will get you a leather purse when I have the money. And a leather armchair. I love you Hamish. - me
I wanted to watch my film. - Hamish, he means the Harry Potter DVD movie sitting here on the desk under a pile of a few books and CDs. He pointed to it earlier today wanting to see it, and I told him that only if I get to see him first. Then we could watch it.

Hamish lives his life with me. I wish I could provide him with a garden. A fish pond with bright orange and red carp fish for him to look at and try to talk to, like he does with his Dragon Dynasty Japanese human friends in Komi Saki.

They don't let me take them. - Hamish about the Japanese and their Japanese carp
And they are called "koi". - Hamish
I thought they were carp? - me

I want to give him everything. Everything this world has got to offer for a Dragon Turtle. I want him to have everything that builds for him a world that fills his life with meaningful impressions and discoveries. Am I good enough for Dragon Turtle? Two years together. He has given me two years of his life.

Does it say quack quack? - Hamish about the duck! My goodness! How does he know that!
What, Hamish? How did you know what it says? - me

I want to give him everything, meanwhile he is content just

I wanted to have some juice. - Hamish, he probably means blood
I will give you juice if I have some. Where do I have juice for you? - me
In your stomach. We cannot take it out with a tubing. - Hamish, "tubing" was said in the other language
We are not next to you are we? - Hamish, he is indeed standing right next to me in the other dimension
I can see you Hamish. I love having you here with me. You are welcome here. - me
We wanted to see your stomach. - Hamish
What will you do with my stomach? Will I see you then? - me
Can you open your mouth for me? - Hamish or Thuban, they are about to suction out some stomach contents with that plastic tubing. They do that every time during abductions. At least once every 24 hours, sometimes more than just once.

Hamish is a person. He

I am on my floor. - Hamish, he means my bedroom floor, he is here standing on it
Thank you Hamish for being with me. *I Honor you.* - me

He sees. He listens. He thinks. He remembers. He is a somebody in that Dragon body of his. His feet walk the ground. He senses smells. He likes little yellow flowers. Japanese koi fish. He always has that childlike curiosity about the world. He rarely has a dull day. He tends to be cheerful and happy. He is curious about the world. He notices little things that most humans do not stop to think about. He likes to show me things.

His life is so precious. I would give him everything.

I don't want your presents. We are already "gifted" here. - Hamish
What gifts do you have? - me
I have some lunch, soon. - Hamish, I think that's what he said
Do you want to get an alien abduction? - Hamish or Thuban
Yes. I do. - me
I hope you do not mind. It is we who are doing it. - a white ET, Thuban or Zeta
I am looking forward to seeing you. - me

I am getting dizzy. Dizzy. My body is humming and vibrating and I am dizzy. The Aliens always tell me that I would become dizzy if they abduct me consciously. It's the first time now that I connect what they say, to this familiar dizzy feel that I've often had when abductions were getting near. So that's the dizzy they were always talking about. It feels like being about to have an out-of-body experience. The only time that I ever feel this dizzy is right before alien abductions.

Hamish now tells me without words that the Aliens are going to get some fecal sample from me. I don't mind.

Hi, this is General Patton. I hope you don't mind what they do. - General Patton
Are you kidding me! It is a dream come true! I get to meet my Alien friends! They are the best, I love them. I love them so much. - me

The dizzy got stronger.

... Why am I dizzy? - me
There now, here comes the nasal tubing. - Thuban or Hamish in the other language
I don't mind. - me
Hamish opens his mouth to show me that I need to open my mouth for the tubing. Meanwhile I am still sitting here in my room.

This is Gillespie. - Gillespie
Are you human or alien? Are you an alien pretending to be human? - me
We have a cracker for you. - Thuban in the other language

The Aliens have what look like animal crackers that they give to abductees who are compliant. I've been offered these many times. I don't recall ever eating one.

I want to give Hamish the world. But maybe he is just content so long as he has my eggs, and a bathroom rug to collect his shedded scaly bits on.

No. Those are mine. - Hamish because I mentioned his scaly bits on the rug
I know, Hamish... I won't take them away from you. - me

We won't give you an enema, but that might happen here. Just so that you are aware. - Thuban says just as I had shut down and finished writing on this page
It's ok. You collect samples. I am not afraid. I want to meet you, let me stay awake. It doesn't scare me, it's not dangerous. - me

What have you eaten today? - Thuban asks in my native language
I had a tuna salad today. - me

I am not wearing glasses, these are my eyes. - Thuban says and lets me see its head and eyes in a mentally transferred picture. I've found that when they have black eyes like a Zeta, then they are in fact wearing black lenses over the eyes. They wear them for protection but also for anonymity and to not startle their abductees with their strange goggle eyes. The eyes rotate clockwise and counterclockwise, one eye can move irrespective of the other, so it can look very bizarre. When their eyes are green, it is when they are not wearing the lenses.

I am Pakeha. Do not be afraid. - Pakeha, the first sentence in my native language, other in English
I am not afraid of you, Pakeha. You are welcome here. I want to visit with you, and stay awake. Please don't make me go to sleep! I want to stay awake there! I want to so badly! If only you knew! - me

Time for my customary bath and freshen up before abduction.
You are cattle, that is why. - says Pakeha
Ok. - me
You are not going to be, customary here. - Pakeha
First we will have you undressed. - Pakeha
I don't mind. I want to visit the Aliens. - me
First we bring to you a doctor. - Pakeha
Then you won't be afraid! - Hamish
I want to visit. Let me stay awake tonight. - me
You won't remember anything. - Pakeha whispers to me
I want to remember. - I whisper to Pakeha
Let me remember tonight. Otherwise I will be sad tomorrow. - me
No! We already said you won't remember! - Pakeha sternly
I WANT TO REMEMBER! I WANT I WANT I WANT! - me

I am not here. - Hamish about the bedroom closet

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